A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, “What’s that?”The doctor explained, “This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know any thing that’s going on.””Save your time, Doc,” exclaimed the man.”He don’t know nothing now.”
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Grenade
One day there was a weight lifter, a priest, and an army general in a plane. It was going down so the pilot told them each to throw one thing out. So the army guy threw out a grenade, the priest threw out a bible, and the weight lifter threw out a weight. The plane was still falling so the three men jumped off. Tey landed safely and started walking down the street talking about what just happened. When they saw a man crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said he got hit in the head with a weight. The men felt sorry, but nonetheless kept walking. This time they saw a little girl praying in the middle of the street. They asked her why she was praying, and she said she got hit in the head with a bible, and that it was a sign from above. They kept on walking. this time they saw a little boy laughing hysterically. they asked him why, and he said he farted and his house blew up.
Babies
How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What’s a lightbulb?
Osama bin Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle
On a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said “Master, may I grant you one wish?”
“You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don’t you know who I am? I don’t need any common woman giving me anything” barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said “Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.”
Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said “Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !”
The annoyed genie said, “So be it !” and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.
The divorce!
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph. She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?” The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”
She asks, “What’s that?”
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph… “I’ve got the airbag!”
3 pints please
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The barman asks him,
‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.’
The Irishman replies,
‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the other’s in Australia and I’m here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together’
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,
‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
‘Oh no,’ he says. ‘Everyone’s fine. I’ve just given up drinking.’
Stickup
A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.
“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!”
“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!”
The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!”
“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!”
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun, dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might walk in!”
A Bunch of Bull
A rancher bought a humongous new bull and unloaded it on the range. In the herd, there were already three bulls–one fairly large, one medium size, and one small. The fairly large bull had been servicing half the heifers, the medium-size bull took care of a third of them, and the little bull had the rest.
When the three bulls saw the new bull, who was bigger than all three put together, the large bull said to the new one, “You can have as many of my cows as you want. I’m too old for any hassle.”
The medium-size bull said the same.
The small bull puts his head down and starts snorting and clawing the ground with his hoofs.
The other two bulls look at him and say, “What the hell are you doing? He’ll kill you!”
The little bull says, “Hell, he can have the cows. I just want to make damn sure he knows I’m a bull.”
If you go outside with
If you go outside with your umbrella, then it will stop raining.
Bass joke
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one – but the guitarist has to show him first.
A case of mistaken identity
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on
the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she
sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another
30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face
lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone
come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she’s got another 30
or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an
ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God again and asks, “I thought you said I had another
30-40 years?”
God replies, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you.”
Looking back on photos
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.'”A small voice from the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”