The Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, ‘Silence in court!’

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,

‘Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.’

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, ‘OK.’

‘Well,’ said Paddy, ‘after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.’

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, ‘God, that must have hurt!’

‘Hurt?’ Paddy replies. ‘He broke three of my fingers!’

Moooooo!

This gay guy walks into the bar and says,”Bartender I am gay but I would like to stay and have a drink.” So he replied,” Ok, you can stay if you go to the end of the bar and not mess with anyone.” So the guy accepted and walked away. A little while after that a big John Wayne Character walks in as says,” Bartender, I’d Like a brewsky.” Well, the bartender gave it to him and the Character drank it in one sip. He slamed down the mug and said,”I fell like a stud bull!” and the gay guy said,”Mooo!”

Bush Visits England

While visiting england, george bush is invited to tea with the queen. he asks
her what her leadership philosophy is. she says that it is to surround her with
intelligent people. he asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“i do so by asking them the right questions,” says the queen. “allow me to
demonstrate.”

she phones tony blair and says, “mr. prime minister. please
answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
this child is not your brother or sister. who is it?”

tony blair responds,”it’s me, ma’am.”

“correct. thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the queen. she hangs up and says,
“did you get that, mr. bush?”

“yes ma’am. thanks a lot. i’ll definitely be using that!”

upon returning to washington, he decides he’d better put the chairman of the
senate foreign relations committee to the test. he summons jesse helms to the
white house and says, “senator helms, i wonder if you can answer a question for
me.”

“why, of course, sir. what�s on your mind?”

“hush, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is
not your brother or your sister. who is it?”

helms hems and haws and finally asks, “can i think about it and get back to
you?”

bush agrees, and helms leaves. he immediately calls a meeting of other
senior republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but nobody can come up with an answer. finally, in desperation, helms calls
colin powell at the state department and explains his problem.

“now looked here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or your sister. who is it?”

powell answers immediately, “it’s me, of course, you dumb cracker.”

much relieved, helms rushes back to the white house and exclaims, “i know the
answer, sir! i know who it is! it’s colin powell!”

and bush replies in disgust, “wrong, you dumb s***, it’s tony blair!”

Little johnny at school 2

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”

“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”

“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”

Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”

“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”

“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”

Llega un mat�n a una

Llega un mat�n a una cantina:

“�Qui�n es Juan P�rez? �Qu� qui�n es Juan P�rez?”

Un borrach�n delgaducho se levanta y contesta:

“Yo soy Juan P�rez”.

Entonces, el matasiete le pone una golpiza que lo deja moribundo y se va. De improviso, el beodo se empieza a re�r y el cantinero, sorprendido, le cuestiona:

“�De que te r�es, si te acaban de apalear?”

“Lo enga�e, yo no soy Juan P�rez”, le responde con voz tartajosa.

A cowboy story

A cowboy was captured by a group of Indians. They told him, “you will die in 3 days, we will grant you one wish a day!” So the cowboy asked to talk to his horse. He spoke to the horse and the horse returned with a naked blonde. Well needless to say the man had a good night. The next day the Indian told him, “you have 2 days to live, I will grant you one wish!” So the cowboys asks to talk to his horse. yet again the horse leaves and brings back a naked redhead. The man had another good night. The last day the Indain told him, “you have 1 day to live, I will give you one wish!” So the man asks to talk to his horse. And he grabs the horse by the ear and yells, “Posey, Posey!”