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Lending A Hand
Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. ,
The first girl said”Whatshould I do? The
guy sitting next to me is masturbating.”
Her friend replied, “Don’t do
anything. Just ignore it.”
The first girl said, “I can’t.”
Her friendsaid,”Why can’tyou ignore it?”
The first one says, “Because he’s using
myhand!”
>>One day Mr.Rabbit & Mr.Bear were walking through the woods, and they hadn’t seen any other animals for sometime.
1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college
student.
2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
6. If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald’s Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups
(ie Olympic Dream Team I or II).
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
10. If you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one
trip).
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce
yourself.
13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t
15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it’s “free”, even though it tastes
terrible.
17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from
bankruptcy
18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class
19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them
20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
21. If your social life consists of a date with the library
22. If your idea of “doing your hair” is putting on a baseball cap
23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that’s all you
have
25. If you haven’t done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit
to class
26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn
27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter
28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women
(whichever your preference)
30. If you have built up a tolerance for beverages (he he he)
31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room
34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
35. If you can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo
36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
37. If you get more e-mail than mail.
Did you know that it is against the law to take a dump in another person’s toilet in Kentucky?
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, “Did
you actually see the accident?”
The witness: “Yes, sir.”
The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”
The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.”
The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the
jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”
The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and
measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question.”
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.” The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?” The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risqu�.” “Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. “Money or another miracle else no drink,” says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch–a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.” “Not so”, says the guy, “the hamster is also a ventriloquist.”
Never buy from a rich salesman.
An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, “Honey, you know we’re not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die.”
That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man’s old pickup and headed out.
When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, “Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place.”
When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.
A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the “Up” arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you’ve ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.
The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, “Son, go git yer Ma.”
What do turtles and blondes have in common?
If they’re on their back, they’re screwed!
President Clinton to maid: “Ma’am, can you do something about Chelsea’s room?
She complains that it’s the ugliest room in the White House.”
Maid: “Yes, Mr. President, I’ll remove the mirrors right away.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients was gaining weight,
so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch. After
eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone else. This
became known as the “Moron Tab and Apple Choir”.