Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants:
New company will be called – Poupon Pants.
(my warped sense of humor loves this one!:)
Knott’s Berry Farms and National Organization of Women:
New company will be called – Knott NOW!!!
Author: admin
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?A: Highway 55.
Yeah…now he has no ears.
Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles
removed?
A. Yeah…now he has no ears.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?…
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?She fell out of the tree.How did the blonde die drinking milk?The cow stepped on her.How did the blonde burn her nose?Bobbing for French fries.What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?The back of her head.What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?Data transferWhy did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs?She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
Old Lady Makes Three Wishes
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden a fairy godmother appears
in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
“Well, now.” says the old lady “I guess I would like to be really rich.”
*POOF* her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
“And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”
*POOF* she turns into a beautiful young woman.
“Your third wish?” asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
“Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.
*POOF* there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone
could possibly inagine.
She stares at him, smitten.
With a smile that makes her knees weak he saunters across the porch and
whispers in her ear “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”
Smelly Iraqi
There’s a Canadian an American and an Iraqi. Each is challenged to go into and remain in a house for ten minutes. The prize is $10,000 dollars. What they don’t know is that there is a skunk in the house!
The Canadian goes in and runs out after five seconds, “It stinks in there!”
The American goes in and last ten seconds.
Then the Iraqi goes in and five seconds later the skunk runs out!
Windows of Alabama
Subject: WINDOWS 98 RECALL It has come to our attention that a
few copies of the Alabama edition of windows 98 may have
accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of
the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the
commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at
the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee
super imposed on a Confederate flag.
It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse,
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption,
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys,
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard,
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are
them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a
garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98 :
tiperiter………..A word processor
colering book…….a graphics program
addin mershene……calculator
scratch paper ……notepad
jupe-box ………..CD Player
inner-net………..Microsoft Explorer
pichers………….A graphics viewer
IRS……………..M/S accounting software
IRS2…………….M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog…………American kennel club records
fishin…………..Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA……………..National Rifle Association
shot gun ………..Remington Arms price list
riffel…………..Winchester price list
pisstel………….Smith & Wesson price list
truck……………Ford & Chevrolet dealers in KY by zip code
house……………Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car …………….same as truck
cuzzins………….family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records………usually an empty file
shells…………..ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
bud……………..list of Budweiser sellers by zip code
racin……………NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV
stations that carry the races
car n truck Parts…nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc …………….veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a
copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for
a replacement version.
Jockeying for Position
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.’ His second friend says: ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.’ Paddy says: ‘I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.’ Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. ‘No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.’
Fly a kite
A father and his son were in the backyard trying to fly a kite. The boy held the kite up and the father ran pulling the string. The kite would go up in the air ten or eleven feet and flutter to the ground. Several tries and the same thing kept happening.The wife was watching this from the kitchen window and she stepped to the door and called to her husband: ‘Honey, what you need is more tail.”I know, I know’ replied the husband. ‘That’s what I told you last night and you told me to ‘go fly a kite’.’
Cast the first stone!
Jesus walks upon a crowd with an adulteress crouching in a corner with a mob around her preparing to stone her to death.
Jesus stops them and says, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!”
Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.
At which point Jesus looks over and says…
“Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!”
Knife and falk
An italian walks into a hotel in malta and finds he has no sheet on his bed so he tells the owner” i want a shite on my bed ” the owner says you had better shit on the bed.
Monica’s statement
“I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my
mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft,
that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in myface.
“This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am
at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is
coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. “I
have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.
No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher,
that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this,
blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.
I will not be stained by it. “Thank you.”
Monica Lewinsky