Why did the gay man get a job at the loading dock?
He loved taking deliveries in the rear.
Author: admin
Ironic
Define irony.
An Amish person getting hit by a car.
A Jewish person getting electrocuted by Christmas lights.
A Catholic chocking on a condom.
Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?…
Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
Because she loved children.
Thor’s Night Out
The mythological god Thor was granted one night out every 100 years because of good behavior. So he descended in LA and went to the nearest bar for a good pickup for the night. And behold, a lovely blond came and sat right next to him and as all stories go, off they went to her flat and had a marvelous night of love making.
Thor had to go back before sunrise and decided to tell this lovely girl who he really was when she came back from the bathroom.
“My love, I am really Thor.”
“So YOU think you are Thor! ” she said. “I am tho thor I can’t even pith!”
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Whos there
Bigish
Big issue
No thanks mate
The golden toilet
A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn’t quite remember the
address to the house. ”I’m sure this is the one,” said the driver. ”Well, I
have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.” Replied one of the others, ”I’ll go
knock on the door, and check. If it’s the wrong house, at least I’ll get to a
toilet!”
So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He
rings it again…..Still no answer. So, he thinks, ��this is a big house,, big
party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.” So he walks around the
house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he approached the back
door, he was surprised to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no
one home, so he figured he’d just quietly run inside real quick, and use his or
her bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can’t find the
bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched,
till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN
TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a
stranger’s house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his
business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of
the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They
pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the
party.
A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the
house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove
to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree
to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the doorbell.
And a woman answers the door. ”Excuse me mama, but could you please let me show
my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don’t believe me!” ”So YOU’RE the
guy!” The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ”HONEY!?!
…HERS THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!”’
Jeep
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back
road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the
wheel. “Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is.”
Dirt Devil vs. Viagra
How are a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner and Viagra the same?
They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
How To Sing The Blues (A Guide)
1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”
2. ” I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes … sort of: “Got a good woman – with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she weigh 500 pound.”
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walk-in’s plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it, is.
9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or go sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. Golf courses
11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you’re older than dirt
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)
Now, don’t you feel enlightened?
Drunk and The $20 Dollar Bills
It was New Year’s Eve … by then, actually, it was very early on New Year’s morning. The drunk staggered out of the men’s room and wobbled his way to the bar.
“I, uh, lll…, I’ll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble.” The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk’s sharp looking suit. “Buddy, it looks to me like you’ve had quite enough. Why don’t you call it a night and go home.”
The drunk protests… “N-n-no! I ca-can’t. My, my wife, you, you see… She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it… She, she’s gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble…”
“Tell you what,” the bartender says. “You got any 20 dollar bills on you?”
The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies… “Y-yeah, I got a few….” The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. “There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!”
“B-br-brilliant!”, the drunk exclaims excitedly. “Thish jush might w-work!”
The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand. “Look at you! You’re a disgrace! Look at what you’ve done to your new suit!”
“N-no hunnybunsh,” the drunk stammers… “Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened…”
The wife looks in the drunk’s pocket and pulls out the money.
“Wait a minute…” the wife says, “there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.”
The drunk reels, regroups, and explains… “Wha-wha… Well thass because after he puked on me, he … he took a crap in my pants!”
Concert Singing
Amy : Did you notice how my voice filled the theatre last night?
Mandy: Yes. I even noticed people leaving to make room for it.
Trouble & Shutup
Once there were two brothers Shutup and Trouble. One day Trouble
got lost so Shutup went to find him. So as Shutup is driving
down the street an officer pulls him over.
Officer: “You were speeding what’s your name?”
Shutup: “Shutup”
Officer: “That it I’ll give you one more chance. What’s your name?”
Shutup: “Shutup”
Officer: “Are you looking for trouble?”
Shutup: “Yeah do you know where he is?”