The ULTIMATE Email Quiz
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I know we have done these before, but this really is theultimate quiz, it is worth a try
Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Author: admin
Flavor test
A man was doing a study of children’s senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, “What is the flavor, and what color is it?” The children began to say, “Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange.” Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but can’t decipher the taste. “Well,” he said, “I’ll give you a clue. It’s what your mother would call your father.” One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: “Everybody spit it out, they’re assholes!”
Bejewelled Portrait
Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.”
“But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.”
“True enough,” said Mrs. Whembleton. “If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!”
What’s the first thing they
What’s the first thing they teach at French military academies?
How to say “I surrender!” in German.
Recipe of making love
[ RECIPE: HOW TO MAKE LOVE ]
How To Make Love
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. if banana does not soften repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, Uh Oh
Yo Momma is so fat…When she fell and broke…
Yo Momma is so fat…When she fell and broke her leg, Gravy puored out
What Do I Wear
A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. ‘Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.’
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. ‘Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.’
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. ‘Let me tell you a story,’ replied the rabbi. ‘A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.’
The man protested: ‘What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?’ ‘No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.’
The Geography of Men and Woman
The Geography of a Woman
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Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair’s a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
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Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.
Math class
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.
“If I gave you $200,” the teacher began, “and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?”
“An orgy,” Johnny answered.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Get Away From my Dee
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, �What are you up to?� Alice smiles, �I’m going hunting with you!� Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: �If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.� Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, �Get away from my deer!� Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, �Get away from my deer!� followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, �Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!�
Blonde Lumberjack
A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job.”Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day,” the foreman told her.The blonde woman didn’t see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat.”Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?” asked the foreman.”6″ she replied.”What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!” So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.”How many this time?” asked the foreman.”12″ she said. The foreman says, “That does it. I’m coming out there with you tomorrow morning!” The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, “This is how to cut down trees really quickly.” He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what’s wrong.And she replies, “What the hell is that noise?”
I’m George Washington
A man who thinks he’s George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, “Tomorrow, we’ll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.”
As soon as he’s gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, “King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I now have the plans!”