Never show a bar chart at an AA meeting.
Author: admin
Redneck Theft
You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and are arrested for stealing food stamps.
To get away from Bill Clinton.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Bill Clinton.
Clothes make the person…?
What do you call a dead athiest?
All dressed up and no place to go!
Difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull
Q: What’s the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn’t carry a briefcase.
Application To NYU-(Classic)
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.
3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
What Did A Lawyer Name His …
What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter?
Sue!!
Cds
one day i was eating my girl out & i said to her do you like cds & she said what kind of cds &i said cds nuts in your mouth
The Lord spoke to Noah
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, ”In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.” And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. ”OK,” Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, ”I’m your man.”
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
”Noah!” shouted the Lord, ”Where is My ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
”Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. ”I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’s construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.
”My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them, so no owls.
”Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.
”Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!
”Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.”
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. ”You mean you are not going to destroy the world?” he asked hopefully.
”No,” said the Lord. ”The government already has.”
Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? So she could lip read.
Go For It
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to
spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he
could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to
tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could
accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no,
he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball
far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally,
they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough
shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was
directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating
how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your
age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the
ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on
the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man
offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree
was only 3 feet tall.”
The Three Women
There were these three women. One blonde, one red, and one brunet. They were all about to be shot. One by one. When the brunet came up, the man asked “Do you have any last words before you die?”The brunet said “No.”Then the man said, “Ok. Ready, aime…”then before the man could finish the bunet yelled, “Earthquake!!” Then everyone ran and so escaped. Then when the red head came up, the man said, “Do you have any last words before you die?”The red head said, “No.”Then the man said, “Ok. Ready, aime…”then before the man could finish the red head yelled, “Tornando!!” Then everyone ran and the red head escaped. Then when the blonde came up, the man said, “Do you have any last words before you die?”The blonde said, “No.”Then the man said, “Ok. Ready, aime…”then before the man could finish the blonde yelled, “FIRE!!”