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How to give your Cat a Pill.

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1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retriev cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

La ricachona de la ciudad

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La ricachona de la ciudad invita al doctor del pueblo a una recepci�n en su casa. �l asiste y, justo, le tuvo que tocar junto a una vieja preguntona.

“�As� que Ud. es el doctor Daniel!”

“Para servirle. Y espero que no”.

“He escuchado que Ud. ha trabajado en el hospital del barrio de la gente de mala muerte”.

“Y no le han mentido, se�ora”.

“�Por el lugar en el que est� situado y por la gente que lo rodea, muchos de sus casos deben ser por accidentes!”

“�Es probable, estoy en la sala de maternidad!”

Porno actress

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A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, ‘Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it’s being born.’The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. ‘Why don’t you know what color the child is going to be?”Well,’ says the woman, ‘the problem is that I’m a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is.”OK’, says the doctor, ‘I’ll do it for you, but it’s most unusual.’The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, ‘Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?”Yes, doctor, he was,’ says the woman.’Wait,’ says the doctor, ‘the chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?”Yes doctor, he was.”Wait, now the legs are out and they’re light brown. Was one of the actors of mixed race?”Yes doctor, he was.’So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy ‘waaaaahh’ and starts crying.’Oh, thank God for that!’ says the woman, ‘for a moment there I thought it might bark.

The Lone Ranger

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A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her Grade Two class because she realizes Little Johnny’s habit of using sexual innuendo is going to cause some trouble.

Johnny remains attentive throughout the whole class and, finally, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, ‘I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.’

`Very good, William,’ said the teacher.

‘My mummy had a baby,’ said little Esther.

‘Oh, that’s nice,’ replied the teacher.

Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. ‘I was watching TV yesterday and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.’

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, ‘And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?’

‘It’ll teach those Indians not to f*** with the Lone Ranger.’

The Bible according to kids

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This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked
questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following
statements about the Bible were written by children. They have
not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has
been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was
called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on
to in pears.

3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebe like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led
the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his
son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar, he
fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700
porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang
the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they
found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth
not live by sweat alone.”

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed
to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony

What just happened here?

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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”

Well Behaved Students

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The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was
sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, “I’ve never seen anything like this
before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why
are you so well behaved and quiet?”

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, “Well, one time
you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead.”

Last Wishes

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Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. “Sidney thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.

`Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace’.”

“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.

“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

“The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral.’ I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”

“And the third envelope?” asked her friends.

“The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone.’ Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, “So, do you like my stone?” showing off her ten carat diamond ring.