A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”
Author: admin
Holy Bread
A sales representative from a major chicken producer is sent on a mission to
the Vatican.
He meets with the Pope: “Holy Father, my company would like to make a
substantial
donation to the Holy Mother Church – but there’s only one condition….”
“Yes, my son?”
“We’d like you to authorize changing the Lord’s Prayer from “Give us this day
our daily
bread to give us this day, our daily chicken.”
“I don’t know my Son. Tradition and all, you know.”
“Well your Holiness, we are prepared to give you a Million dollars to do
this.”
“I don’t know my Son. Tradition and all, you know.”
So, the chicken man, hurries off for a quick phone call to his boss and he
comes back.
“Your Worship, I am authorized to go up to one Billion dollars if you change
“Give us this
day our daily bread, to give us this day our daily chicken.”
The Pope shrugs with a smile and says, “Well, now, my Son, give me a call
tomorrow.”
Later that day the Pope has a big meeting with his Cardinals, Bishops, Priests
the whole Vatican family is there.
He says to them, “Boys, I gotta some a good news, and I gotta some a bad
news….”
“The good news is that the Holy Mother Church has come into one Billion
dollars!!”
(CHEERING! APPLAUSE! BRAVO! BRAVO!!!)
“Boys, the bad news is that we have lost the Wonderbread account!”
Airlines running operating systems
Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.
The Other Side
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. ”Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I’ve got something to show you!” ”Not now! I’m eating.” ”Oh come on!” said the rabbit. ”It’s really important.” ”No way.” ”Please. It’s urgent.” So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. ”Well, rabbit,” he panted. ”What did you want to tell me?” ”Hey, Teddy,” the rabbit began, ”look how many berries are on the other side of the river.”
I Don’t Get It
How do you keep someone stupid occupied?
By telling them this joke.
water, a wall and 3 guys
3 guys were walking on the beach, George Bush, Osama Bin Laden,
and this random guy. All of a sudden this geenie pops up and
says, “I’ll give you each 1 wish.” So the random guy went first,
“I wish I was the richest guy on earth.” OK, done,” says the
geenie. Then Osama Bin Laden went, “I wish that I had this very
big wall around my country,” “OK, done, says the geenie.” Now
for George Bush.”So tell me about this wall,” says George.
“Well, it’s 500 feet tall and 500 feet wide.” says the geenie.
“OK, fill it up with water.”
Linda Tripp and and Ken
Linda Tripp and and Ken Starr were cruising along a country road one
evening when a cow ran in front of the car. Ken tried to avoid it but
couldn’t.
The cow was killed.
Linda told Ken to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
happened. About an hour later he staggered back to the car with his
clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a
cigar in the other and smiling happily.
“What happened?” asked Linda.
“Well,” Ken shyly replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me
the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Linda.
The driver replied: “That I was giving Linda Tripp a ride, and I just
killed the cow.”
The Vet
A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for
help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him
put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the
still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his
dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this,
demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and
puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body
and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man
and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead
too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The
vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks
from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The
vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks
your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and
asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, “$650.”
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man.
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for
my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan
and lab tests.”
Blonde goes on a trip
One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead went on a camping trip. The first night out, the redhead went hunting, and came back in the morning with a huge deer. The blonde asked, “How did you kill that deer?”
The redhead said, “Well, I followed the tracks of the deer and shot it.
The second night, the brunnete went hunting and came back in the morning with a big deer. The blonde once again asked, “How did you kill that deer?”
The brunnette said, “I just followed the tracks and shot it.”
The third night, the blonde went out hunting, and came back in the morning with a ripped shirt, bloody nose, and her hair all messed up. The redhead and the brunnette asked her what happened, and the blonde said, “I followed the tracks but then the train hit me.”
Fake it
What do you do when a Rottweiler humps your leg?
Fake an orgasm.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A dog names Sales
An American earned some bonus from his work and he thought he deserved a hunting trip to Canada. When he came to Canada he popped in a hunting store for renting a hunting dog. Before he left, he asked the boss what the dog’s name was, the boss told him the dog’s name is “Sales”.
During the hunting, Sales was so great, he barked when he saw quarries. He never stopped chasing them until he got them. No need to say, the American really got a bunch of quarries when he’s done this hunting trip.
Couple years after then, this American earned another big bonus again. So he thought about the Canada hunting trip again. Of course he went to the same hunting store to rent that dog named Sales as soon as he arrived Canada. However, the boss told him they didn’t call him Sales any more. Just because of his excellent performance, they called him “Manager” now. At the very same moment, the boss pointed to one corner of the store and told the American, ” Now he does nothing but barks at that corner everyday.”
How can you tell if your landcaping was done…
How can you tell if your landcaping was done by a blonde?
Your bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.