Because his son wasn’t the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. “Now you lissen good, Dan’l, ‘cuz here’s whatcha gotta do.One: Take out your penie-pipe. Two: Pull back the foreskin.Three: Pee.Four: Push back your foreskin.Five: Put your equipment back.”The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe’s wife came running over. “Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan’l went ta piss an’ won’t come out of the outhouse!””Hell, whut’s he doin’ in there?” Joe said.I dunno. He jess keeps sayin’ “Two-four, two-four, two-four……”
Author: admin
Gorilla in a Tree
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.
“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner, “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on”
“Ok, got it.” the homeowner replied. “But whats that shotgun for?”
“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the Chihuahua.”
Changing Lightbulbs
How many Irish blokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two! One to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink until the room spins.
Why do blondes have
Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Because they have blond boyfriends
Gas Station Humor
I stopped in at the local gas station for something to drink and
when I approached the register, the employee promply asked me,
“Do you have gas?” I answered him with a puzzled look on my
face. “Isn’t that a rather personal question?”
What is it?
Schwartznegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn’t have one,
The POPE has one but doesn’t use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns’ was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s
What is it?
.
.
.
.
.
A last name……. Were you thinking of something else?
Half off
why did michal jackson walk in to walmart? because he her kids pants were half off.
Sex lives
Four women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sex lives.
The first woman moans, “My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it.”
The second woman moans, “My husband is a doctor. All he wants to do is examine it.”
The third woman moans, “My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it.”
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, “My husband’s a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore hell out of it, and he has been working on it ever since.”
Un matrimonio fue invitado a
Un matrimonio fue invitado a una fiesta de m�scaras y disfraces. A ella le dol�a much�simo la cabeza y le pide al marido que se vaya solo.
�l protest�, pero ella le dijo que se iba a tomar una aspirina e irse a la cama, por lo que no hab�a necesidad de que �l se quedara en la casa. As� que el marido se puso el disfraz y se fue.
La mujer, despu�s de dormir una hora, se despert� bien, sin dolor. Como era temprano decidi� ir a la fiesta. Y como el marido no sab�a cu�l era su disfraz, ella pens� que ser�a divertido observar como actuaba �l cuando estaba solo.
Ella lleg� a la fiesta y enseguida vio al marido bailando en la pista con cada chica con la que se cruzaba, tocando un poco por ac� y tirando besitos por all�. La esposa se le acerc� y empez� a seducirlo. �l dej� a la mujer con la que estaba y se dedic� a la reci�n llegada. Ella lo dej� avanzar todo lo que �l quisiera: finalmente era su marido.
En un momento, �l le susurr� una proposici�n en el o�do y ella acept�.
Salieron de la fiesta y en uno de los autos tuvieron sexo. A medianoche, antes de desenmascararse, la se�ora se escabull�, fue a su casa, se quit� el disfraz y se meti� en la cama, pregunt�ndose qu� clase de explicaci�n le iba a dar el marido.
Cuando �l entr�, ella estaba sentada en la cama, leyendo.
“�C�mo te fue?”, le pregunt�.
“Bueno, lo de siempre”, dijo �l. “Ya sabes que no la paso bien cuando no estoy contigo”.
“�Bailaste mucho?”
“Ni una sola pieza. Cuando llegu�, me encontr� con Pedro, Guillermo y otros muchachos, as� que nos fuimos a la planta alta y jugamos p�ker toda la noche. �Lo que no me vas a poder creer es lo que le pas� al tipo al que le prest� mi disfraz!”
Last one there…
What did one sperm say to the other?
“Last one there gets a rotten egg!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
A rural couple
A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to
college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee.
When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph
taken and mailed it home with a note that read: “Fascinating, no? Don’t I
perhaps look like a count?”
“You idiot!” His father wrote back. “Here we are spending a fortune on your
education and you can’t even SPELL!”
College light bulb
How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s what grad students are for