Author: admin

Supernatural sex

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A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.

The student replies, “Ghost?!?” “Dang it, I thought you said ”GOATS.”

Work Vs Prison

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In Prison:
You spend your time in an 8 x 10 cell

At Work:
You spend your time in an 6 x 8 cubicle

In Prison:
You get three free meals a day

At Work:
You get one break for a meal you pay for

In Prison:
A guard locks and unlocks all doors for you

At Work:
You carry a security card, you unlock the doors

In Prison:
You get to watch TV and play games

At Work:
You get fired for watching TV and playing games

In Prison:
You get your own toilet

At Work:
You have to share

In Prison:
Family and friends are allowed to visit

At Work:
You’re not allowed to speak to family or friends

In Prison:
Expenses are paid by taxpayers and work is not required

At Work:
You pay to go to work and you get to deduct expenses
on your taxes to pay for prisoners

In Prison:
You look through the bars, hoping to get out

At Work:
You want to get out so you can go inside the bars

In Prison:
The wardens who are often called sadistic

At Work:
The wardens are called managers

Long list of annoyances!

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*** Things that can and do bother the “normal” person. ***

Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a “blank stare” when you look at them.

There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It’s bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don’t realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don’t even have a dog!

There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and
discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope…OUCH!

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.

You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling…DOUBLE OUCH!

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it!

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Work Aptitude Test

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Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Signs You’ve Had Enough of the New Millenium

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1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2) You now think of three espressos as ”getting wasted.”

3) You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he
emails you back, ”What’s for dinner?”

6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8) You didn’t give your wife a Valentine’s card this year, but you posted one
for your email buddies via a Web page.

9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college
roommate used to play.

10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the
screen.

11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for
half the price you paid.

12) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase is foreign to you.

13) Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the
backseat of your car.

14) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have
email addresses.

15) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

License Plate

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TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE ANSWER.

It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out
and revoke this lady’s personalized license plate:

3M TA3

Can you tell why? See answer below.

FIGURED IT OUT YET???????????????????????????

THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART, HUH?

HERE IS THE ANSWER………….

It spells EAT ME in someone’s rear view mirror.

Warning! Warning!

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If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes,” delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. (For Gods sake man are you listening?!?!) It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

It will even put Super Glue in your KY Jelly, and Exlax in your chocolate candy, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**

And if you don’t send this to 5000 people within 20 seconds you’ll fart next time you’re making love!!!

send send send send send…………….

PS: In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.