Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Author: admin
Cat technical support problems
This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service
center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print
head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy
cat that liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.
Well, one day we got a service call that said, “Cat caught in machine, come
quick!”
When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending his or her
various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that
while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual
fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got
sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who
came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere
near the machine.
Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q – Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A – Under the vacuum cleaner.
Not what it seems
A newfy man walks into a bar and orders himself a drink. when the bar tender brings it over to him, he ask him if he was a betting man. The bar tender replys, why yes, i,ve been known to take a bet from time to time, depending on what it was. why?
Well, says the newfoundlander, i,m willing to bet you $1000.00 that i could piss in that shot glass on the shelf behind your head!…The bar tender turns to see where he was pointing and then looks back at the newfy and says to him, ok pal your on, but you have to do it from where you,re standing.
Not a problem says the newf, so the bar tender places his $1000.00 on the bar next to the newfs and then the newf pulls down his fly and starts to pee.
He,s pissin on the bar, on the wall, on the floor, and even on the bar tender, but not one drop goes into the shot glass!
When he finishes, the bar tender”LAUGHING TO KILL HIMSELF” picks up his newly won money and then realizes that the newf is laughing as well.
So he says, you know, for a man that just lost a thousand bucks, your taking it pretty well.
Yep, says the newf, but you see those three guys standing outside the window?
Yes i do, says the bar tender, why?
Well before i came into your bar i bet them $10.000.00 that i could come in here and piss all over your bar and you and have you laugh about it!!!!!!!
Toilet robbery
A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that a midget is watching him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn’t really become uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs up, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
‘Wow,’ comments the midget, ‘those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!’
Surprised, yet flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
‘Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,’ says the little fellow, ‘but I wonder if you would mind if I touch them.’
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he complies with the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says loudly,
‘Okay, hand me your wallet or I’ll jump off the ladder.’
Terrorists attack
The terrorists have siezed the “Attorney Building” along with everyone in it.
They are demanding $10 Million.
But the negotiations break down as the deadline appears. The terrorists announce to the Police,
“In case you think we’re not serious, if our demands aren’t met, we’re going to start releasing the lawyers, one at a time.”
Misspelled
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in
the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling
with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said, after catching his breath,
“You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What
are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
Always listen to experts.
Always listen to experts. They’ll tell what can’t be done and why. Then do it.
Pumpkin Fucker
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”. “I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure.” said Officer Taylor.
“I walked up to (Davidson) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin.” Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’
He got real surprised as you’d expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
A pumpkin? Damn… is it midnight already?”
Shakespearian Computer Story
Through infinite myst, software reverberates
In code possess’d of invisible folly.
Wilt thou dare interface
With thy Apple Macintosh keypad
By toggling my tweaky bosom?
Alack!
Leave laserjet laughter to the laptop lover.
Behold beta beauty in a keyboard’s keen kindness.
Now yet torment thy melancholy hardware
By always vexing the amorous flame
Of thine model motherboard.
This tyrant widget conceals scuzzy games
And pleasure treasured dear:
Then kiss me.
Celestial evil’s idolatrous template within AOL
Will deceive some cybersex users
And email “cancel our service.”
Tis a rare tongue
That many maiden bugs command,
Revealing bounteous distress,
Trashing bold memory:
Click and crash gloriously.
Weep not, beauteous Microsoft!
Hereafter reboot.
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Deadbeat in a Bar
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said �No thanks, I don’t drink, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!� So the bartender said, �Well would you like a cigarette,� but the man said �No, I don’t smoke, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!� The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said �No I don’t like pool, I tried it once but I didn`t like it. As a matter of fact I wouldn`t be here at all, but I’m waiting on my son!� The bartender said, �Your only son I presume!!�