Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?A: “Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?”
Author: admin
That dirty!
Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket.
When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, “You know, Jane, these remind me of John’s balls.”
Jane, impressed says, “Hmm, that big, huh?”
“No”, Sue answers. “That dirty.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Hole in one!
Bill goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, “What took you so long?”
The guy says, “That was the worst game of golf I’ve ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack.”
The guy’s wife says, “That’s terrible!”
The guy says, “I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie…”
What do ya call…
What do you call a blonde in a freezer?
A frosted Flake!
These aren’t Murphy’s Laws but some of them should be
“The Law of Volunteering”
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
“The Law of Avoiding Oversell”
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
“The Law of Common Sense”
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
“The Law of Reality”
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
“The Law of Self Sacrifice”
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
“The Law of Motivation”
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
“Boob’s Law”
You always find something in the last place you look.
“Weiler’s Law”
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
“Law of Probable Dispersal”
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
“Law of Volunteer Labor”
People are always available for work in the past tense.
“Conway’s Law”
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
“Iron Law of Distribution”
Them that has, gets.
“Law of Cybernetic Entomology”
There is always one more bug.
“Law of Drunkedness”
You can’t fall off the floor.
“Heller’s Law”
The first myth of management is that it exists.
“Osborne’s Law”
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
“Main’s Law”
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
“Weinberg’s Second Law”
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Picnic
Man: “Do you know the difference between a penis and a chicken leg?”
Woman: “No.”
Man: “Well, do you want to go for a picnic?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Limerick contest
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words
Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners. Entry # 1 There
once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky ‘Twas “Hail
to the Chief” on this flute made of beef that stole the front page from
Kaczynski. Entry # 2 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don’t want to
leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, use the hem of your
dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. Entry # 3 Lewinsky and Clinton
have shown what Kaczynski must surely have known: that an intern is better than
a bomb in a letter given the choice of how to be blown.
What yu would say to your dog but not your girlfriend!
Get the ball, Do you want a bone
Best bait
Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob can’t believe it, he yells over ” whats your secret?”
“woogatkakeptewrwm” he answers back.
“what did you say?” replies Bob.
The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob, ” you have to keep your worms warm”.
Where the men are men
Q: At [Insert Geography you hate here], they’ve found another use for sheep.A: Wool
Yo momma
yo momma so fat she bunjy jumped off a bridge and went straight to hell.
�Suicidal Blonde “
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger shot
off.
How did this happen? The doctor asked.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the Blonde replied.
“Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?”
“No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $6,000
for these boobs. Then I put it in my mouth and thought, I just paid $3,000 to
get my teeth straightened. Then I put the gun in my ear, and thought this is
going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled
the trigger.”