The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
Author: admin
Missing Rooster
A Priest was in his room and realized that his rooster was
missing. He decided to bring it up in Sunday Mass. Right before
the sermon the Priest asked, “Who has a cock?” All of the men in
the room stood up. The Priest said, “No, No, No. Who has seen a
cock?” All of the women in the room stood up. The Priest said,
“No, No, No. Who has seen MY COCK?” All of the nuns stood up.
Ouch that hurt… or does it?
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “Sir, I’m really concerned… I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.” “Yes, doctor, but she’s a great cook and really good with the kids…”
Road accident with Clinton
Bill Clinton and his driver are in a hurry, so they are speeding past several farms. On their way past one of the farms Bill’s driver hits a pig. He stops the car and decides he had better tell the owners.Bill waits in the car all night and the driver doesn’t come back until the next morning. Bill says, “what did they do to you?” The driver replies, “they gave me a good meal and they told me to sleep with their daughter. They tried to give me fruit for the road, but I had to say no. ” Bill says, Wow! What did you say to them? The driver replies, All I said was “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver and I killed the pig.”
Famous last words
*Don’t be silly, it isn’t loaded.
*I CAN FLY!
*Trust me, I know what I’m doing.
*Yes, the barrel of your shotgun is very clean.
*What’s in this dark cave ?
*”Oh, they’re free? I’ll take ten!” – Moses
*No, I’m sure they cleaned out this mine field years ago.
*Safety harness?
*Wait, I thought he was with you!
*What greencard?
*Hey, what’s this switch?
*Don’t move, you’ll trip the sensors.
*Yes, I’m single.
*No, this cannot be, I am invincible!
*So, you’re sure this isn’t loaded?
*Calm down, of course I disarmed it!
*What, I never signed any organ donor papers!
*Well, it can’t get any worse!
*C’mon! This CAN’T be the self-destruct button. If it was, they wouldn’t leave it lying around like this where anyone could push it!
*Don’t worry, they’ll never find us in here!
*William, is that you?
*They can’t hit us at this range!
*All you have to do is connect these two wires.
*There’s only one way to find out…
*Hey, when it comes to driving on snow and ice, I’m the best there is.
*These pills are awfully small.. I’ll take a few more to be sure they work.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
25 signs you’ve had too much to drink
1)You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3) Job interfering with you’re drinking.
4) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5) Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case – coincidence?
9) Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
10) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15) At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
16) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17) The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you walk in.
18) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and
Women
19) Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and
more attractive.
20) Roseanne looks good.
21) Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23) Senator’s Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24) “I’m as jobber as a sedge.”
25) The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
I Like Monkeys
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys.
I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn’t improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
Ocean Mamma
Your moms so fat that when she walks past anaquareim the whales start singing ” We are family with my big fat mommy and me!!!”
Servicing Gas
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realised the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”
Stuff around the world
Have you noticed that most people who want to save the forests,
are vegitarian.
All Gore was born exacly 9 months after the the aliens came to
Rosville, New Mexico.(it’s a fact)
If you are a mexican baby, does that mean you came from New
Mexico.
If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need your drivers
licence to buy beer?
Question
Q…. What has 140 mile per hour winds and can drown you????
A…. A category 4 dental assistant.
magic weapons
Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom ”This is a magic broom — point it at anybody, say ‘Bangity bangity bang,’ and they will die.” Bob was really worried because he didn’t think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob’s turn came and they had ran out. ”Don’t worry.” said the man issuing them out. ”I will give you this magic carrot — point it at somebody, say ‘Stabbity stabbity stab,’ and they will die.” Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn’t have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said ”Bangity bangity bang!” and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn’t die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were ”Tankity tankity tank.”