What food makes women not want to have sex?
Wedding Cake.
Author: admin
The Club
Your mama is so fat, at night your daddy has the put The Club on the
fridge.
Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.
Mexican gas
What’s a “feel-up”?
It’s what you get at a Mexican gas station.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Sleeping Beauty
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. “I am
the most beautiful person in the world,” proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. “No, you’re
not�, answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. “I am the smallest person in the world,”
shouted Tom Thumb. “No, you’re not,” said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. “I’ve
had more lovers than any person in the world,” announced Don Juan. “No, you
haven’t” replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the
three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin,
clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and
summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one
at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming
“I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so�. In went Tom Thumb
and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: “I am the smallest person in
the world, Merlin agrees.” In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an
hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, “Who
the hell is Bill Clinton?”
Believe in genies
A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million-dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned,
‘Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.’
Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed.
‘I warned you to watch out. Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost.’
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said,
‘Come on in.’
When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch said,
‘Are you the people that broke the window?’
‘Uh yeah, we’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.
‘0H!, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
‘Now that you’ve released me I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.’
‘Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’
‘No problem, it’s the least I can do. And you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie said looking at the wife.
‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world,’ she said.
‘Consider it done,’ the genie said.
‘And what’s your wish, genie?’ they asked in unison.
‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.’
The husband looked at his wife and said,
‘Gee, honey, you know we now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’
She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
‘Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.’
The genie took the woman upstairs and ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both had been satisfied repeatedly, and as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked,
‘How old is your husband?’
‘He’s 35,’ she responded breathlessly.
‘No shit! Thirty-five years old and that idiot still believes in genies?’
Super man
a guy is sitting at a bar on the 35 floor of a skyscraper and orders a tall mug of beer. he gulps it down and jumps out the window! five minutes later he comes back and orders another mug of bear and jumps out the window. another five minutes later he comes back and orders another beer and drinks it. he starts running to jump out the window and a guy yells wait. the guy stops and the man who called him asked how he jumps out the window and dosnt get hurt. he replies”you drink some beer and it creates bubbles in your stomach letting you float safly to the ground” the other guy now orders a beer and jumps out the window. then the bartender says to the original guy ” Superman your mean when your drunk.”
Siblings……
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.
Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, “Well, you just ask Mom. She’ll tell you it’s much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Adelia!Adelia who?Adelia the
Knock KnockWho’s there?Adelia!Adelia who?Adelia the cards and we’ll play snap!
Make up Her Mind
Your mama is so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead so she could make
up her mind.
The stupid receptionist
There was a man who got a job as a hotel receptionist and his boss was giving him some tips the day before his very first shift on the phone.
One of the tips was: When showing the guests to their rooms, always be polite and say their names which is usually situated on the label on their suitcases.
After hearing this, he started his job the next day and led his first guests to their room. Remembering what his boss said, he looked at the label on their suitcase and said:
“Welcome to our hotel, we hope you enjoy your stay Mr and Mrs real leather!”
Time
What happens when you kill time? You commit murder in the second degree.