What did the black kid say as he slid down the zebra’s leg?
Now you see me now you dont! Now you see me now you don’t!
Author: admin
Dos barcos estaban atracados en
Dos barcos estaban atracados en un puerto. Una embarcaci�n era de Tontilandia y la otra inglesa. Todas las noches desde el barco brit�nico se escuchaba un llamado:
“�Manolo, Manolo, Manolo!”
Y un tontiland�s respond�a:
“�Qu� pasa?”
“�La concha de tu hermana!”, replicaban desde el otro barco.
“�Co�o, no puede ser! �Put�sima madre!”
El hombre del barco ingl�s continu� con sus llamados y Manolo respondi�ndole. Dos semanas despu�s, Manolo harto de esa situaci�n le comenta el hecho al capit�n, y �ste le aconseja:
“Mira, cuando veas gente en el otro barco grita: Smith, Smith, y luego le dices lo que quieras”.
“Gracias, capit�n”, agradece Manolo entusiasmado.
Entonces sale a cubierta y grita a todo pulm�n:
“�Smith, Smith!”
“�Qui�n lo llama?”, preguntan desde la otra nave.
“Manolo”.
“�La concha de tu hermana!”
Husbands are like cars. . .
Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, ‘My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.’ The second said, ‘Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful.’ The third said, ‘Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.’
A horse breeder story
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
Q: How many Lacanians
Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This relates to his theories.)
Bart Simpson’s Chalkboard Archive
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I’m sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.
The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal “spud head”.
Goldfish don’t bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes”.
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell “Fire” in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It’s potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal’s car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don’t mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
“Bart Bucks” are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
There once was a priest
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered
hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started
advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
“It’s O.K.,” he replied, “it’s written in the Bible.”
So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where
in the Bible it says it’s okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone wrote in pencil – “The hat check girl puts out!”
Chemistry song 08
Test Tubes Bubbling(to the tune of “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire”)Test tubes bubbling in a water bathStrong smells nipping at ypur nose.Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglowWill find it hard to be inert tonight.They know that Chlorine’s on its wayHe’s loaded lots of little electrons on his sleighAnd every student’s slide rule is on the slyTo see if the teacher really can multiply.And so I offer you this simple phraseTo chemistry students in this roomAlthough it’s been said many times, many waysMerry molecules to you.
He Said – She Said
He Said…She Said:
He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?
He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said… “This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!”
She said…”No problem, I’ll get you some that is.”
She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.
He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.
Priest… ‘I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.’
She said…’Who’s gonna look?’
He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said…No, have you?
He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
It’s possible that my whole
It’s possible that my whole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
Brittney Spears-Airplane
Q:What is the differance between Brittney Spears and an airplane?
A: Not everybody has been in a airplane
Misdirected Doubts
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped the address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the widow of a recently deceased minister.
The preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When her family finally revived her and asked her what had happened, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.”