Yours Fun Portal !
yo momma is so poor i saw her walkin down the street with one
shoe on and i said”did you know you lost a shoe”she said”no i
found one.
yo momma is so fat she walked out with a yellow shirt on and
everyone ran back in thereand said “how did the sun get so
close”?
yo momma is so ugly when her mom got on the bus the bus driver
said”what the hell is that” and she went to the back ofthe bus
an one of the people said”can i pet the monkey”?
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.Bill: “Why don’t I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy.”Hillary: “Well, why don’t you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy.”Al: “Why don’t you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.”Tipper: “Why don’t we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy.”
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND
BREAKAWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND
The White House — President Clinton announced today that an all out bombing
offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace accord is
ratified by England and its breakaway province of Northern Ireland. Along with
liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all British culinary
institutes would be fair game for bombing. After the attack, NATO peace keeping
troops will be sent in to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and
without the threat of attack.
“Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention, we have decided
to add, incrementally, to the list of peace initiatives around the world,” he
said in a prepared statement.
A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton
administration would intervene in the following areas:
Week one — Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and to destroy the
legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.
Week two — Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the Kurds. Oh yeah,
let us not forget all of the oil reserves we would gain.
Week three — Bombing of several random African countries to stop the Hutus
from killing Tutsis.
Week four — Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the Cyprus problem,
and end the argument over whether Socrates was actually homosexual or not.
Week five — Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, also to shut up the
people at PETA because one target would be the bull fighting rings.
Week six — Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.
Week seven — Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.
Week eight — Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that they were
bullied.
Week nine — Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing to use
deodorant and razors.
Week ten — Bombing of Washington, DC to free the Confederate of Southern
States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more Senate seats for Hillary
to possibly run for.
Week eleven — Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might finally be
recognized as a “real” state.
“This schedule will do until we can come up with others,” said Madeline
Albright, Secretary of State. When asked whether or not the US would bomb
Beijing in order to free Tibet she responded, “Something that practical would
never be on a military agenda.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Maxine!Maxine who?Maxine the wave dude!
Many years ago, this man decided to go to a masked orgy with the
knowledge that his wife would probably be out of town. Having
not been to one since his bachelor party many years ago, he was
excited and nervous. He eventually dressed as a knight, and
arrived with high hopes.
When the man arrived, he saw that he was the only one dressed as
anything like what he was, so he was naturally embarassed.
However, the women were all over him, thinking that his costume
was so cute. One woman in particular was hanging around him.
Dressed in a raccoon costume, an old fetish of his for fur
attracted him to her.
“I hope you don’t mind my costume,” she said. “Don’t worry, I
have a thing for fur,” replied the man. “Do you want to go to
bed?” he added. The woman said, “Yep, my husband doesn’t need to
know about this.” To this, the man said, “Yeah, I cheat on my
wife all the time, and ignorance is bliss.”
The two people went into a back room and started going at it in
their costumes. They then went their separate ways for awhile
and enjoyed the party. Two hours later, the man approached the
woman.
“I had so much fun tonight… do you want to do it again
sometime?” he asked. “Of course!” replied the excited woman,
“here’s my phone number… be careful about my husband.” She
proceeded to give him his phone number.
The man bit his lip. “That can’t be. That’s MY phone number.
Unless… HOLY SHIT, YOU’RE MY WIFE!”
Five Reasons Why Santa must be a Woman…
1. First of all, Santa “remembers” it’s Christmas.
2. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
3. Only a woman would come up with a silly red pantsuit
and matching belt to boot!
4. No guy would ever name his animals Rudouph, Dancer,
Prancer, Glizten, etc.. Sissy names….
5. Nobody has ever seen Santa leaking off a roof…
Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts,
*still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, ain’t it?”
“No,” the second man replied, “It’s Thursday.”
And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a coke.”
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.”House,” in French, is feminine-“la mansion.” “Pencil,” in French, is masculine – “le crayon.” One puzzled student asked, “…What gender is computer?…” The teacher did not know, and the word wasn’t in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether “computer” should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men’s group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computer”), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (“le computer”), because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you’d waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.
Q. What goes peck, peck, peck, and boom?
A. A chicken in a mine field.
Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
So the German soldiers can march in the shade.
Two blondes were waiting for their buses. One of them was waiting for the bus number one and the other one for the bus number seven. In the meantime, the bus number seventeen came. One of them exclaimed: “Oh, great! Now we can go together!”
A man came hobbling into the doctor’s waiting room, assisted by his wife. The poor bloke could hardly move. He was bent over and grimacing with pain as he shuffled along, his hands like two rigid claws.
The receptionist looked on sympathetically. “Oh dear,” she said. “Arthritis with complications?”
“No,” said the bloke’s wife. “Do-it-yourself with concrete blocks.”