You might be a redneck if…When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into “America’s Most Wanted”.You own more than two clappers.You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents. Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife’s car, but no blade. You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it. You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool. You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool. Your pickup truck no longer has a back. The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels “over yonder in them hills.”Your mustache is longer than your wife’s hair. Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook. Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips. Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net. City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.You think Tang is in the fruit group. You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC’s.You’ve ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
Author: admin
Color
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don’t have film. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Three Blondes And A Brunette
One day,3 blondes and a brunette were hanging over a cliff from a rope that could only hold 3 people,the brunette said,I will let go!.
And the three blondes started clapping.
Best Thing about Having Alzheimer’s
What is the best thing about having Alzheimer’s?
You get to meet new people everyday!
Oj simpson
QUESTION : what did oj simpson say after he was found not guilty
“CAN I HAVE MY GLOVES BACK NOW?”
Do it again
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. He’s built like a wardrobe and despite the wind and near-freezing temperatures, is only wearing a kilt and a tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a beautiful young woman, slim, shapely, a heart stopper.
The driver’s attention is drawn from the woman when the highlander opens the car door and drags the man onto the road.
“Right, you,” shouts the highlander, “I want you to masturbate.”
“But….” stammers the driver. “Now…. or I’ll bloody kill you.”
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
“Right,” says the highlander, “Do it again!”
“But….” stammers the driver.
“Now! yells the highlander.
So the driver pulls himself off again.
“Right, do it again,” demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours.
The poor man has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw and despite the icy wind, has collapsed in a sweating, gibbering heap on the ground.
“Do it again,” says the highlander.
“I can’t,” whimpers the driver. “You’ll just have to kill me.”
The highlander looks down at this pathetic wreck of a man slumped at his feet.
“All right,” he says, “NOW you can give my daughter a lift into Inverness”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Personal Ad
WANTED:A tall well-built woman with goodreputation, who can cook frogslegs, who appreciates a good fuc-schia garden, classic music and tal-king without getting too serious.(But please only read lines 1,3 and 5)Submitted By: Lisa
There are a Frenchman, an
There are a Frenchman, an Englishman, a German and a Jew on a
plane, and about half way through their flight the captain reports that
there are engine troubles, and in order to stay in the air the plane must
lose some weight. After the baggage is dropped, the plane is still too
heavy.
The frenchman, being full of pride for his country, opens the
plane door and says “Viva la France” and jumps out. Still too heavy.
The Englishman says “For my Queen and country” and jumps out, but
the plane is still too heavy.
The German says “For the Fatherland” and pushes the Jew out.
You have been warned!!!!
The following are excerpts from various American medical journals…..prepare
yourself, they are pretty amazing (But all are True)
INNER SKELETON
A 63-year-old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil,suffering
abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of
a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the
womb and was never
expelled from her body.
FEMALE SOFA
500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the
examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found
under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the
folds of her vulva.
OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloodied
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers
around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out
that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under
the
table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an
epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s member and wrench it
from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed
her in the head until she let go.
SEX EDUCATION
a Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if
she was sexually active. She said that she wasn’t.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she
was not sexually active, the woman replied “I’m not, I just lie there.” When
asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, “No.
Who?
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while
trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway,
but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but
without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did
not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the
membrane of his cornea.
GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her
vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman
then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because
she thought that her uterus was falling out.
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He
complained that his wife had “a rat in her vagina” and it bit him during sex.
After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle
left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He
admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels,
and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use
it sparingly.
However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the
time he came to the ER, all the blood vessel in his penis were swollen and his
testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe pain
killers, and told
him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to
enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.
CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a
hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man’s anus
and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this
occasion, the shell got stuck.
Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still
live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead
box around the man’s anus to defuse the shell so it could be removed.
Books
did you ever read the book yellow river by I. P. daily
Chilly
your so dumb you heard someone say it was chilly outside and you ran out with a bowl