A mathematician and a non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic.”Hey, don’t worry, it’s just every 10000th flight that crashes.””1:10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine!””Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. It’s much more probable that you go from a crashing to a non-crashing plane than the other way round. So you are already at 1:10000 squared.”
Author: admin
Kid’s say the darndest things…
Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
– The future of “I give” is “I take.”
– The parts of speech are lungs and air.
– The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
– A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
– Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
– The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
– The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
– We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get oursilk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
– A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
– The climate is hottest next to the creator.
– Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
– Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
– In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
Wash Hands after Going to the Bathroom
A marine and a sailor were taking a piss in a bathroom. The
marine goes to leave without washing his hands.
“In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands.”
“In the marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands!”
Smitty the Parrot’s Birthday
Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, “What do you want for your birthday?” Smitty says, “I want to get laid.”
So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.
After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.
There’s Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.
“Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?”
Smitty says, “For a hundred bucks I want her nude!”
Man, the Lawn Mower
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
Corporate Lessons!
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
Lost while hunting
Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first man says to the other, ‘If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.’ After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do. The man answers, ‘Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.’
Climb
You know your in trouble when the tower say’s, “Climb like your life depends on it…because it does.”
Gordon’s Object Lifespan Theorem:
Gordon’s Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration.
Clinton and the Genie
Bill Clinton is walking around in the White House when he stumbles upon a very old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. Within seconds, a genie pops out
“I will grant you but one wish” the genie says.
Clinton thinks it over, and says, “I wish for peace in the middle east.”
“Where is that?” the genie asks.
Clinton pulls out a map and points to the mid-east.
“Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how long they’ve been fighting over there? There’s no way I can stop that! Pick another wish instead.”
Clinton thinks it over and says, “I wish that the American people wouldn’t make fun of me and my wife, and that I will be remembered as the best President of all time.”
The genie says, “Let me see that map again.”
What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton…
What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he had??
An ex-wife and a dead girl friend.
Murphy’s Law Corollary…
- Murphy’s Law Corollary
- Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
- Murphy’s Law Corollary
- Mother nature is a bitch.