Old age sex

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.

He asked, “How often should you have it?”

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and grandma now?”

His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.”

“What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.

“Well,” grandpa said, “she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room.

And she yells, ‘Fuck you’, and I holler back, ‘Fuck you too.’ “

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Nicknames for Georgie

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie.

One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.

The first one says “I’ll name mine 7-up because he’s seven inches and always up.”

The second one says “I’ll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me.”

And the third one says “I’ll name mine Jack Daniels.”

The others say “Hey! That’s not a softdrink that’s a hard licker!”.

She says “That’s My Georgie!!”

Knock Knock 156

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Roxie!
Roxie who?
Roxie horrow picture show!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Rufus!
Rufus who?
Rufus leaking and I’m getting wet!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Russia!
Russia who?
Russia though you meal and you’ll be sick!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ruth!
Ruth who?
Ruth of the matter is!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sabina!
Sabina who?
Sabina a long time since I’ve seen you!

Dogs `n Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark… Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle… Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

Slanted News

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “‘Forty Niners’ fan saves friend from vicious animal”, he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies.

“‘Oakland Raiders’ fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.

“I’m not a Raiders fan either,” the boy says.

“Then what are you?” the reporter asks

“I’m a Cowboys fan!!!” the boy says proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Redneck bastard kills family pet!”

Playpen

Mary was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, “They’re driving me nuts.

Such pests, they give me no rest and I’m half-way to the nut hatch.”

“What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself,” her friend said. So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

“Superb! I can’t believe it,” Mary said. “I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don’t bother me one bit!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis