The President wakes up one morning, looks…

The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House
window and sees “The President Sucks” written in the snow in urine.
Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found.
Later that day the FBI agents return. “Well sir,” says the first
agent, “the urine has been analysed and it’s the Vice President’s”.
The President goes purple with rage and shouts, “Is that all?”
“Well no sir,” says the agent, “It’s the First Lady’s handwriting.”

There are more jokes like this at http://www.jokedepot.com

Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Knock Knock 65

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ferdie!
Ferdie who?
Ferdie last time open this door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ferrer!
Ferrer who?
Ferrer’vrything there is a season!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Fez!
Fez who?
Fez me, that’s who!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Fiddlesticks!
Fiddlesticks?
Fiddlesticks (Feet’ll stick) out if the blanket is too short!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Figs!
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!

Una mujer va de compras,

Una mujer va de compras, y en una tienda ve un armario desmontable maj�simo y decide comprarlo. Llega a su casa y lo monta ella sola toda contenta.

De pronto pasa el autob�s por la calle y el armario se desmonta solo. La mujer sorprendida vuelve a montar el armario, pero vuelve a pasar el autobus y �plum! el armario se desmonta y se cae al suelo otra vez. Entonces decide llamar a su vecino para que le ayude dici�ndole que cada vez que pasa el autob�s el armario se desmonta solo.

El vecino lo monta apretando bien todas las tuercas y tornillos y luego deciden esperar que pase el autob�s a ver qu� pasa. Esperan unos minutos y al pasar el veh�culo el armario se vuelve a desmontar.

Increible, exclaman los dos. Mire, le dice el vecino, a la mujer voy a meterme en el armario y cuando pase el autobus voy a saber porque se cae. El hombre se introduce en el armario y espera.

En esto llega el marido de la mujer y abre el armario para dejar su chaqueta y ve al vecino.

“Pero �qu� significa esto?”

“No me va usted a creer pero estaba esperando el autob�s…”

Vampire Attack

Two nuns were driving home one dark stormy night when suddenly, WHAM! A vampire lands right on the hood of their car. His eyes are gleaming yellow and his razor-sharp fangs dripping with blood.

The nun who is driving screams to the other nun, “SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS!”

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, “GET THE HELL OFF THE HOOD OF THIS CAR!”

Ways to describe people you meet

Some useful descriptions of people you may encounter from day to day:—————————–Not the sharpest knife in the drawerGot into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watchingA room temperature IQGot a full 6-pack, but he’s missing the plastic thingy that holds themtogether A photographic memory, but the lens cap is glued on Bright as Alaska in DecemberDuring evolution, his ancestors were in the control groupOne celled organisms outscore him on IQ testsFell out of the family tree Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming He’s so dense that light bends around him If he were any more stupid, you’d have to water him twice a week Its hard to believe that he beat out 100,000 other sperm

Or What?

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. Back home agian I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

The doctor thinks for a secound and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”

Dr. Seuss goes to Washington

I am Starr. Starr I are.
I’m a brilliant barri-star.
I’m here to ask, as you’ll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?

I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join …. even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are!

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?

That is it; you’ve gone too far!
I do not like you, Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I’ll start a war!
The public’s easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!