Q: What’s a word for Clintons ’92 campaignA: A snow job.
Author: admin
Q….
Q.
Why are men like blenders?
A. You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
Mix Up at the Hospit
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. “Oh no!” he moaned, “this means I’ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!””Of course you will,” one of the doctors soothed. It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all.”
Parade
What’s long, brown and has a cumulative IQ of 80?
A Cinco De Mayo parade.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.24. Smile. All the time.
Bill of No Rights
We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I
You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you.
ARTICLE VII
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII
You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness — which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
Best Iraqi Job
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Peanut In The Ear
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!”
The father replies “From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!”
Rejected Hallmark Cards
REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day… look on the bright side, she’s a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping… I thought it was flat… when I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat… Sorry.
3. You had your Bladder removed and you’re on the mends… here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.
4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy.
5. Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be… But don’t fret about it… She moved in with me.
6. You totaled your car… and can’t remember why… could it have been… that case of Bud Dry
Going down………
a blond and a redhead enter an elevator being held for them by a curtious gentleman in a dark business suit. while thanking him for his kind act, they both notice that the man has flakes on his shoulders. the redhead whispers to the blond…’He looks like he could use some head and shoulders’ The blond looks at her friend and replys with a look of bewilderment…’Yes, but how do you give shoulders?’
Why do [ethnics] wear long
Why do [ethnics] wear long dresses?
To hide the pest strips.
Frog on the head
A man walks into a doctors office one day with a frog on his head.
He sits down and the doctor says, “What’s the problem?”
The frog says, “Doctor, is there any way you can get this wart off my ass?”