Someone who can sit on a scoop of ice cream and tell you what flavor it
is.
Author: admin
Nurses Revenge
Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.
The first nurse said, “I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn’t hear.”
The second nurse said, “I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees.”
The third nurse said, “Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer.”
The fourth nurse fainted.
One last try
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. ‘Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,’ he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.
Finally the lawyer says: ‘Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.’
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.
A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquires the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
Answers the representative: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”
Quotes about computers, software & things
Quotes about computers and software and other things ‘Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things.’ –Doug Gwyn’True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you’ve turned the light on everyone can see…’ — unknown’An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot’ — Rich Julius ‘The C Programming Language – A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.’ ‘Pascal – A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.’PROGRAM – n. – A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one’s input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one’s head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.’Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.’ — Donald Knuth’Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.’ — Rich Cook ‘C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.’ — Bjarne Stroustrup’I’ve never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation, and if there was, I’d kill him to get him out of the gene pool.’ — Joseph Costello, President of Cadence ‘The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.’ — FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers ‘The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.’ — E. W. Dijkstra’It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.’ — Dijkstra’A system admin’s life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards!’ — Michael O’Brien
tire marks
Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on his back?From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”.
Est�n un cirujano, un ingeniero
Est�n un cirujano, un ingeniero y una inform�tica discutiendo acerca de cu�l es la profesi�n m�s antigua del mundo:
El m�dico dice: “Pues est� claro: Dios cre� a la mujer con una costilla del hombre, una operaci�n quir�rgica exquisita, entonces los cirujanos somos los primeros.”
El ingeniero: “Qu� va,qu� va, antes del hombre exist�a el caos, pura desorganizaci�n y va Dios y con una maestr�a extraordinaria hace un proyecto de ingenier�a asombroso y crea el universo, por tanto la Ingenier�a es la profesi�n m�s antigua.”
La inform�tica: “�Y qui�n creen ustedes que cre� el Caos?”
Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from
the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything.
What’s worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so
humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job two years ago, he hasn’t even
looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living
room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the
bills.
And since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even
pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. You’re a New York Senator now. You don’t need him
anymore.
Abby
Your Ugly
Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, “My God, you’re ugly, aren’t you!”His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. “You naughty boy!” she screamed, “How can you say to your aunt that she’s ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you’re sorry!”Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, “Aunt Tess, I am sorry you’re so ugly.”
Extra Large Comdoms
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”
Church for this drunk
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.” The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, “And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!” The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, “I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!”
The Telepathic Watch!
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“Oh really? What’s it telling you now?” she inquires.
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!”
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,
“Damn thing must be an hour fast!”
A woman’s seminars
How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper