Dermatologist: Good News my dear, aftr looking through your test results I’m
happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples.
Girl: Wow! That’s great! Why?
Dermatologist: There’s no more space.
Author: admin
President’s Surprise
The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out “The President Sucks.”
Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it.
In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
“The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President.”
“Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?”
“The handwriting’s the first lady’s.”
Stock market report
Today’s Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Ready for Parenting? Find out!
Here’s a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.
This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! 🙂
MESS TEST – Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST – Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST – Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST – Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST – Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST – Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST – Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST – Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women) – Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men) – Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT – Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!
Clinton one-liner
If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the vote?
Ready to Go Home
There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, ‘How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?’ The man said, ‘because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I’m gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.’
Knock KnockWho’s there?Harriet!Harriet who?Harriet it
Knock KnockWho’s there?Harriet!Harriet who?Harriet it up!
Advice From Former Presidents
Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through
Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington
Monument, looks up and says, “George, you were always wise, what should I do?”
Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, “ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND
START OVER.”
Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he’ll try it
again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to
Americas author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early
philosophers. “Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to
rally people behind me?” Again a voice from above answers, “WELFARE, IT’S NOT
WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER.”
After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the
historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance
from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and
keeping the country unified. “Abe, I need your help, people are losing
confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?” After a
substantial pause Abe responds, “TAKE THE DAY OFF, GO TO THE THEATER.”
What does a blonde o
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
Get the phone!
A salesman drops in to see a business customer.
Not a soul is in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.
The salesman stares at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looks up and says, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”
“Incredible!” exclaims the man. “I can’t believe it. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”
“Please don’t tell him!” pleads the dog. “If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone too.”
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by calamjo
Florist Mix-up
A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his
restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral
wreath along with a card that read:
SINCEREST SYMPATHIES.
The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to
think of the flowers that should have gone to the restaurant man. He had sent to
the funeral a clover design of red roses across which was a bright green ribbon
bearing the inscription: =20
BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.
Yo Po' and Yo Ba
You’re so poor I went to your house and asked where the bathroom was and you said, �4th bottle to the left.�