WHAT DID THE FISH SAY WHEN HE HIT A CONCRETE WALL? DAMN!
Author: admin
ONE time in the shower a boy looks up at his…
ONE time in the shower a boy looks up at his mother and says what is that.The mother answers thats my headlights and then the boy looks down and says whats that.The mother answers that is my garage.Then the boy goes in the shower with his dad and looks down and says what is that.The father answers thats my car.Later at night the boy says to his parents hey why is the car going in the garage and daddy sucking mommies headlights.
Beer Goggles
Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day’s work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe’s curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, �Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?� The man replied, �There’s a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin’ good, I’m headin’ home!�
The Vet
The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Nebraska for $200.
They bought the cow from Nebraska and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a fine bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They explained to the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. And if he approaches from the side, she walks away to the other side.”
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Nebraska?”
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.
“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Nebraska?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Nebraska.”
To Keep A Man Interested
What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
Wear perfume that smells like beer.
Random Thoughts
When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather;
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.
War decides not who is right, but who is left.
oops!
A guy farted oops!
Hairy Situation
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While
the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one
elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, “Driver, I
believe that I was sexually harassed!” The driver didn’t think
much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it
soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading
again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his
ear, “Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!” This time, he
knew it had to be taken care of soon.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go
back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what
was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus
floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
“Excuse me, sir, could I help you?!” The elderly man looked up
and said, “Well, sonny, you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and
I’m trying to find it. I thought I’d located it twice, but they
were parted in the middle, and mine’s parted on the side!”
Coaching Baseball
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?”The little boy nodded in the affirmative.”Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”The little boy nodded yes.”So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”Again the little boy nodded.”Good,” said the coach.”Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”
Christmas Snow
One christmas mourning Hillary Clinton looked out her window to find someone wrote Hillary sucks in pee on the snow.
So she called the police and they told her they would do tests.
The following week the police chief came back and said that he had bad news and worse news. The bad news is it is Bill’s urine and the worse news is it is Monica’s hand writing.
Wave
Q: why did they stop doing the “wave” at BYU?
A: too many blondes were drowning.
Alden’s Laws: (1) Giving
Alden’s Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible.