Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ”He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don’t think he can live with my problems.” So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ”Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!
Author: admin
You Might be a Yankee if
This is a response to Jeff Foxwhatever’s “You might be a Redneck if …”
So….. You might be a Yankee if…
1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”
2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
3) You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.
4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5) You don’t know what a moon pie is.
6) You’ve never had grain alcohol.
7) You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.
8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9) You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.
10) You have no idea what a polecat is.
11) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
12) You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13) You don’t have bangs.
14) You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
17) Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
18) You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.
19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
21) You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
23) You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24) The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
25) You call binoculars opera glasses.
26) You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
27) You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
28) You don’t know what applique is.
29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
30) You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
31) You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.
32) You’ve never been to a craft show.
33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34) You can’t do your laundry without quarters.
35) None of your fur coats are homemade.
36) You know what the junior league is.
I’ve learned…
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just arse holes.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion – not proof – to destroy it. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more fed up than you think.
I’ve learned you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.
I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or you will he offered medication.
I’ve learned that money is a great substitute for character.
I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean you cant take advantage of them when they’re passed out and naked in your bed.
I�ve learned that maturity is a magazine for old farts.
I’ve learned that no matter how good a woman is she’ll only contribute to your alcoholism.
I’ve learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still expensive.
I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t have secret plans to move out.
I’ve learned that we don’t have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I’ve learned that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.
I’ve learned to say, ‘F*** them if they can’t take a joke’ in six languages.
Mammas breath
yo mammas breath is so bad, I can SEE the words comming out of her mouth
Diary Entries from Deer Hunt
Deer hunting season is coming up… Here are the secret diary entries from
last year’s deer hunt.
1:00 am – Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am – Hunting partner arrives – drags you out of bed.
3:00 am – Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am – Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am – Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am – Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am – Set up camp – forgot the tent.
4:30 am – Head into the woods.
6:05 am – See eight deer.
6:06 am – Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am – “Click”.
6:08 am – Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am – Head back to camp.
9:00 am – Still looking for camp.
10:00 am – Realize you don’t know where camp is.
Noon – Fire gun for help – eat wild berries.
12:15 pm – Ran out of bullets – eight deer come back.
12:20 pm – Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm – Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm – Rescued.
12:55 pm – Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm – Arrived back in camp.
3:30 pm – leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm – Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm – Load gun – leave camp again.
5:00 pm – Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.
6:00 pm – Arrive at camp – see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm – Load gun.
6:02 pm – Fire gun.
6:03 pm – One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm – Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm – Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm – Fall into fire.
6:10 pm – Change clothes – throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm – Take pickup – leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 pm – Pickup boils over – hole shot in block.
6:26 pm – Start walking.
6:30 pm – Stumble and fall – drop gun in the mud.
6:35 pm – Meet bear.
6:36 pm – Take aim.
6:37 pm – Fire gun – blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 pm – Make mess in pants.
6:39 pm – Climb tree.
9:00 pm – Bear departs – wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree.
Midnight – Home at last.
Next day – Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into
little pieces – place in envelope and mail to back to Game Warden.
Shy guy in bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?”
Poop
i pooped
Nagging wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning
till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He
drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his
lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it
just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack
in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a
minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him,
he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so
consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why
he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and
disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about
how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in
agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
How many Californians does it take to change…
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.
Two Genies – Three Wishes
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes cross a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it
a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him that he has been
granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear. The
next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom in a mansion
surrounded by fifty beautiful women. He makes love to all of
them and begins to explore the house. He feels something soft
under his feet. He looks down and the whole floor is covered
with $100 bills.
Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door. He answers the door and
standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen
walk off.
As they are walking away they remove their hoods. It’s the two
genies. One genie says to the other one, “Hey, I can understand
the first wish of having all these beautiful women in a big
mansion to make love to. I can also understand wanting to be a
millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!”
En un pueblo se constru�a
En un pueblo se constru�a una carretera y uno de los lugare�os se sentaba largas horas para ver como se realizaba la obra cuando…
“Hola, soy George Frank Steven, el ingeniero que hizo los estudios y encargado de la obra y la maquinaria”.
“Hola, yo soy Federico D�az; soy del pueblo vecino”.
“Veo que nunca hab�as visto como se hace una carretera moderna, dime, �c�mo hacen las carreteras en tu pueblo?”
“Bueno, en mi pueblo cuando queremos hacer una carretera de un pueblo a otro, soltamos un burro viejo y el animal escoge el camino m�s corto y m�s seguro y por ese camino hacemos la carretera”.
“�Y qu� pasa si no tienen un burro?”
“�Llamamos a un ingeniero!”
Lessons For Life
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do
nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped
on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the
energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?”
replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey
pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon
he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the
tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The
brain said, ” I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s
responses and functions.” The feet said, ” We should be Boss as we
carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The hands
said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all
the money.” And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and
the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So
the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the
feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain
fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the
Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the
work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story:
You don’t need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.
Lesson Number 4
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a
pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last
meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally,
he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten
too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked
around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up
against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off,
thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when
he hit the floor. Dead.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know
you’re full of shit.