Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Author: admin
A trip to Pittsburg.
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home
to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass.
Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. “Young lady,” he began, “I would like three pickets to titsburg…” Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg,” he began, “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” So of course he also fled.
Then came the third. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” he continued, “if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger’s going to shake his peter at you!”
Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don’t have eyes.
Chemist’s last words
The last words of a chemist:4. … and please keep that test tube alone!5. And now shake it a bit.6. Why is there no label on this bottle?
Programmers rule over hardware-people
How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, that’s a hardware problem!
Lice On A Bald Man
What do you call lice on a bald man’s head? Homeless.
Q: How many Helmsley
Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a New York hotel who was a terrible person to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation. She was so nasty to her employees that she was known as the “Queen of Mean”.)
Check Ups
An old couple go to the doctor for their yearly physicals.
One-at-a time the doctor brings them into the examination room,
starting with the husband.
“Well, Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape for a man your age,”
says the doctor. The man replies, “Well doc, I don’t drink, I
don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me.” “What do you
mean?” asks the doctor. The old man says, “For instance, last
night in the middle of the night, I had to get up to go to the
bathroom–and the good Lord turned on the light for me so I
wouldn’t fall down.” “That’s nice,” said the doctor. “Send your
wife in now, please.”
The wife comes in and the doc says, “Mrs. Smith, you’re in great
shape for a woman your age.” She then says, “Well, doc, I don’t
drink, I don’t smoke…” The doctor interrupts, “and the good
Lord looks after you, right?” The woman is confused and says,
“What are you talking about?” The doctor explains, “Your husband
was just telling me the same thing–he said that the good Lord
looks after him–like the other night when he had to go to the
bathroom, the good Lord turned the light on for him…” “Bloody
hell!” she said, “he peed in the refrigerator again!”
Bathroom Door is Closed
Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling “She’s in the BATHROOM!”
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
Mom
Free Drinks in Idaho
A man from Idaho goes to New York City, on business, for the first time. After checking in to the hotel he goes down to the bar to have a drink. He orders a rum and coke. The bartender gives it to him and says, “That will be eight dollars.”He give the bartender the money and says, “Man, everything is so expensive here in New York!”The bartender replies, “It cant be that much more than where you live.”The man replies, “Oh yes, it is! Why do you know that, in my home town, you can go out drinking all night for nothing! And if you feel you’ve had too much to drink. You can check into the finest hotel and spend the night for nothing! And not only that, when you wake up there is a twenty dollar bill on the pillow next to you!”The incredulous bartender says, “I find that very hard to believe. Has that ever really happened to you?”The guy replies, “Well no, not exactly…but it happens to my wife all the time!”
The name of your wife
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.”Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?” he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.”I was a good father,” he answers.”Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.”St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, “Come on, Penny, let�s get out of here.”
Cherryhill Top
A naked man walks in a bar when the bartender says”what happened to you?”.Then the man said “I just got of of cherryhill top”. THen another naked man comes in and the bartender asks him the same, and the man answers the same. Then a naked woman walks in the bar and the bartender asks the same and she said “no,I am cherryhill top.”