What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in dirt, and then comes back?
A dirty double crosser.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Author: admin
“The people who vote decide nothing….
“The people who vote decide nothing.
The people who count the vote decide everything.”
– Josef Stalin
Doctor’s Affair
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?”she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you”. Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
Cheese
Q. What do you call cheese thats not yours?
A. notcho(not your) cheese
The Top 16 More Realistic Senior Class Award Categories
16> Most Likely to, if Not “Succeed,” at Least Experience a Slower Descent Into Pathetic, Miserable Failure
15> Most Likely to Still Be Living in His Mom’s Basement Well Past the Age of 30
14> First to Run Out of Pierceable Body Parts
13> Most Likely to Use the Phrase “My baby’s father…” on an Episode of “Judge Judy”
12> Most Likely to Succeed, With a Little Help from His Governor-of-Florida-Brother and the Supreme Court
11> Most Likely to Go Through Four Divorces and a Personal Bankruptcy Before Finding Peace and Happiness in First the Michigan Militia and Later the Church of Scientology
10> Most Likely Facing a Lifetime of Having to Pay for Sex
9> Most Likely to Clean Puke Off the Side of Her Friend’s Car With Her Shirt at a Jack in the Box at 4:00 in the Morning
8> Most Likely to Manage a Denny’s and Live His Dreams Vicariously by Cursing at His 4 Year Old’s T-Ball Coach
7> Biggest Purveyor of Machiavellian Clique-Based Adolescent Cruelty
6> Most Likely to Sever Tongue Licking the Inside of a Pringles Can
5> Most Likely to Have More Than One Cat Named Frodo
4> Most Likely to Lose a Lung in a Knife Fight at a Bar Over a “Friends” Trivia Question
3> Most Likely to Be Traded to “Bull” in C-Block for Three Cartons of Marlboros
2> Most Likely to Give a Cute Pet Name to His Riding Mower
1> Most Likely to Get Knocked Up While High on ‘Shrooms With a Complete Stranger Behind the Port-o-San at a Phish Concert, Name the Kid “Harmony,” and Open a Head Shop in Ft. Lauderdale Catering to Retired Dead-Heads
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Junichiro Koizumi and Bush
“He [Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi] said I want to make it very
clear to you exactly what I intend to do and he talked about non-performing
loans, the devaluation issue and regulatory reform and he placed equal emphasis
on all three.” �George W. Bush, who had meant to say “the deflation issue”
rather than “the devaluation issue,” and accidentally sent the Japanese Yen
tumbling, Tokyo, Feb. 18, 2002
Talking with God
One day a man walked into a church and began to pray. He asked GOD, “GOD, how what’s a million years to you?” GOD replies, “A second.” Then the man askes GOD another question, “GOD, what’s a million dollars to you?” GOD replies, “A penny.” Then the man asks another question. “GOD, can I have a penny?” GOD replies, “In a second!”
Graffiti
At Swindon:
SWINDON TOWN IS MAGIC!
And underneath:
WATCH THEM DISAPPEAR FROM THE SECOND DIVISION!
Dumbarton, Scotland:
JESUS SAVES!
And underneath:
DUMBARTON SHOULD SIGN HIM FOR GOAL!
Second Division Club:
STOCKTON -ON-TEAS FOR THE CUP!
Republican area of Belfast:
BRITS OUT!
Under which someone had added:
EXCEPT CHARLTON, SATTERS, TOWNSEND, SHEEDY AND ALDRIDGE
Confuse a blonde
how do you confuse a blonde…
Put them in a circle room and tell them to sit in the corner
The Frog
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess,
I will stay with you for one week.”
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I’ll stay with you and do *anything* you want.”
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, “What is it? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful Princess,
that I’ll stay with you for a week and do *anything* you want. Why won’t
you kiss me?”
The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for
girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.”
A man dies and goes up to heaven
A man dies and goes up to heaven. He sees the pearly gates and St. Peter.
“Welcome to heaven. I’ll guide you to your house.” says Peter. So they walk
through a court yard full of clocks. A lot of clocks. “What�s with all the
clocks?” asked the man. “These are the clocks of all the people in the world.
Every time they lie, it jumps one minute in the future of their life. Here, let
me show you.” Peter moves over to a clock. “This is Jack, a car salesman, any
moment, his clock will jump.” Sure enough, about 3 seconds later it moved a
minute forward. So they keep walking, and the man is seeing all his friend and
family’s clocks. He gets to his house and asks Peter, “Where is President
Clinton’s Clock?” “Didn’t you see it? Look up. We use it as a ceiling fan!”
Taco Bell Story
My three-year-old son, Matt, had a lot of problems with potty
training. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I
realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I
asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I
didn’t have any clothes with me.” I asked again, “Matt, are you
sure you did not have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just
knew that he must have, cause the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?”
This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked
down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “See
Mom, it’s just gas!!”
While 50 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing
happened. I was mortified, but some kind elderly people made me
feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the
best laugh they had ever had!