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A pilot, the President, Micheal Jackson, a librarian, and some kids are on a plane that is about to crash. There are just enough parachutes that one person must die.
The pilot says “Well, I’m the pilot so i have to live,” so he jumps out with a parachute.
The President says “Well I’m the President and I have to run the country so i should live,”
“But what about the kids?” said the librarian.
“Screw the kids” said the President.
“I already did” said Micheal Jackson.
What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster?
My zipper.
Someone who can sit on a scoop of ice cream and tell you what flavor it
is.
Yo mama so stupi I asked her what letter comes after x, i said y she said because I want to know.
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“Oh really? What’s it telling you now?” she inquires.
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!”
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,
“Damn thing must be an hour fast!”
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
You.
You who?
What?
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. ‘Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,’ he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.
Finally the lawyer says: ‘Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.’
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.
A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquires the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
Answers the representative: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”
Contrary to popular belief, God’s last name is not damn.
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from
the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything.
What’s worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so
humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job two years ago, he hasn’t even
looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living
room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the
bills.
And since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even
pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. You’re a New York Senator now. You don’t need him
anymore.
Abby
Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.
Finally Lisa gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. “I can’t seem to get my car started,” Lisa said, smiling. “Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”
Freedom begins between the ears.
– Edward Abbey
You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.