Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
Author: admin
Elmo Factory Worker
A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The
Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that
he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs
work and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill
job on the “Tickle Me Elmo” assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes
her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00
AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the Personnel Manager’s
door. The “Tickle Me Elmo” Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting
about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes
about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested
he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough
Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is
the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and
has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric
and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several
minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new
employee and says: “I’m sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I
wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Orson!Orson who?Orson around
Knock KnockWho’s there?Orson!Orson who?Orson around again!
Yo Mama’s So Fat… Highway 59
Yo’ mama so fat, she thought Highway 59 was a Slip ‘n’ Slide!
How Old Are You?
A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl
asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?” The mother responded, “Honey, women
don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.” The girl then
asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?” Her mother responded again, “That’s
another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another
question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” The mother, a little
annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me
very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.” The little girl, frustrated,
sulked until she was dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consulted with
her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation. The girlfriend said,
“All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just
a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.” Later, the little
girl and her mother were out and about again. The little girl started off with,
“Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re 32 years
old.” The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know
that?” The little girl shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you
weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.” “Where did you learn that?” The little girl said,
“I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in
sex.”
Ooopppssss
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.”
Darkness robes
What do u call it when your tv is floting at night?
Uve bin robed by a black man.
Un d�a la maestra le
Un d�a la maestra le dice a los estudiantes: “Para ma�ana tienen que decirme cuales son sus dos colores favoritos”.
Entonces pepito piensa en el rojo y violeta y va por todo el camino a su casa: “rojo, violeta, rojo, violeta”. Se acuesta a dormir, “rojo y violeta”…
Al otro dia va camino a la escuela repitiendo “rojo y violeta”, finalmente llega al sal�n y la maestra pregunta: “Rosita, �cu�les son tus dos colores?”
Rosita contesta: “Amarillo y verde.”
La maestra pregunta: “Eliezer, �cu�les son tus dos colores?”
Eliezer contesta: “Anaranjado y verde.”
La maestra pregunta: “Juan, �cu�les son tus dos colores?”
juan, el negrito de la clase, contesta: “Rojo y violeta.”
Por fin la maestra le pregunta a Pepito: “�Y tus colores cu�les son?”
Y pepito furioso contesta: “Negro carb�n.”
Proxy Father
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, ”I’m off. The man should be here soon”. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ”Good morning madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to….” ”Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in. ”Really?” the photographer asked. ”Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.” ”That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. ”Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.” ”Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.” ”Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.” ”I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith. ”Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.” ”Don’t I know!!”, Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ”This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.” ”Oh my god!!”, Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.”And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. ”She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith. ”Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.” ”Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. ”Yes”, the photographer said. ”And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.” Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ”You mean they actually chewed on your, eh…equipment?” ”That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.” ”Tripod??”, Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. ”Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?….. Good Lord, she’s fainted!!”
Why God Created Eve
Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone. And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve… 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that!”
Letter from an Irish Mother
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I’m still alive. I’m
writing this letter slowly because I know that you can’t read
fast. You won’t know the house when you get home because we’ve
moved.
About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under
him; he cuts the grass at the cemetery. There was a washing
machine in the new house when we moved in but it hasn’t been
working too good. Last week I put your father’s shirt in, pulled
the chain and haven’t seen it since.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I don’t know if it
is a boy or a girl yet so I can’t tell you if you are an uncle
or an auntie. Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of
whiskey at the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to
save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and
it took 5 days to put out the fire.
I went to the doctor last Thursday and your father came with me.
The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to
talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it off him.
It rained last twice this week. First for 3 days then for 4. We
got a letter from the undertaker. He said that if the last
payment on your grandfathers plot isn’t paid within 7 days, then
up he comes.
-Your loving mother
PS. I was going to send you 10 dollars but I had already sealed
the envelope.
(This joke was found in: “The Serious Joke Book” by George Coote)
Cool joke hey?
Hiker Sex
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.” The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”
The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”
“Wow,” the first guy says, “did you get a blow job?”
“No,” says the second friend. “I couldn’t find her head.”