Yours Fun Portal !
A blonde gets into her car, immediately grabs her cell phone and
calls 911.
911: What’s the problem?
Blonde: I just got in my car and I noticed that someone has
stolen the dash board, the steering wheel, the pedals,
everything.
911: Ok, someone will be there in a second.
The blonde hangs up and gets back into her car. A few seconds
later, she calls 911 again.
911, (realizing that that person has called seconds before): Yes?
Blonde, (laughing): Never mind, I was in the backseat!!
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
to do is get up every morning and say, “How’s the President?”
– Will Rogers
How do you kill 50 flies at once?
Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a shovel.
by Every guy in America:
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include
something from each of the four major male food groups:*** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.***
3. Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble .. (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn’t ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.
23. “Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay… maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word “motorcycle”.
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don’t hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:
Bill Clinton dies and is sent to the devil in hellThe devil tells him that he will shpw Clinton all the different kinds of torutre they have in hell and he gives Clinton the chance to choose his own punishment.There are many windows as they walk along and Clinton looks at all the suffering and torture inn each one.In one of them, there’s a lady burning in fireIn another, there’s a man being ironedIn another there are 2 men cutting eachother’s dicks offThen they come to another window where Clinton is shocked.. Inside, Monica Lewinsky is giving A Big Fat Ugly man a blow job Clinton cannot believe this is actually a punishment, but he keeps his mouth shut…and tells the devil that this is the punishment he wants..So the devil says ok and they go in…as Bill gets ready the devil says: “Ok Monica, your punishment is over now, you may leave!”–Ebru
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn’t have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, says “just a moment please I need to call in.”The trooper radio’s in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief “I’ve got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do.”The chief replies “Who is it, not Ted again ?”The trooper says, “No, even more important.”The chief replies, “It’s the Governor, isn’t it ?”The trooper replies “No, even more important.””It isn’t the President is it?””No, more important,” replies the trooper.”Well, WHO the HECK is it!”, screams the chief.”I don’t know” says the trooper. “But he’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!”
I have a cat called Minton. When he eats a shuttlecock I say bad-minton.
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?”
“Because your breast is hanging out,” he says.
She looks down and says, “OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!”
Submitted by Sherri
Edited by Yisman
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, are you sure it’s mine?
Poodle meets greatdane at the vets. Great dane asks poodle what he was doing there. Poodle replies, I just can’t understand my master, for years I obeyed all his commands and even won blue ribbons at shows, I accidentally soiled the carpets and he sent me here to get the needle. Great dane replies, I’m here for almost simular reason. One evening I was laying on my masters bed and when she came out of the shower and bent over to dry herself I saw my chance and I wrapped my paws around her waist and just gave it to her. Poodle replies back, holy cow your going to get that needle before me! Great dane replied, your full of shit, she sent me here for a manicure.
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about” says the caretaker.
“He’s just decomposing!”
According to a recent poll, half of New Yorkers say that they
would never move out of the city, mostly because their probation
won’t allow it.