Cat Diary

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan .

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Pat him first

A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he’s there, he runs in to his old friend.

The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls.

The friend sees this and says, “Man, I sure wish I could do that.”

The dog owner says, “Go ahead, but pat him a little bit first.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis

Brooklyn Lawyer

A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. “Young man, where are your scruples? Isn’t there anyone too low for you to defend?”

“I don’t know, ” Ernie says, “What have you done?”

Bus

OK- You are the bus driver.

The bus driver goes to the first stop and picks up three kids.

Then the bus driver goes to the second stop and picks up five.

The bus driver goes to the third stop and picks up two.

At the fourth, he drops of three,

At the fifth, he picks up one,

At the sixth, he drops off four,

And at the very last stop, the bus driver picks up two.

Now, by figuring all the math, what was the color of the bus
driver’s eyes?

Intercourse Consent

=================== General Release WritThis certifies that I, the undersigned female about to enjoy sexual intercourse with __________________________________ am above the lawful age of consent, that I am in my right mind and am not under the influence of any drug or narcotic. Neither does he have to use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me.Furthermore I am in no fear of him whatsoever; do not expect or want to marry him, I don’t know if he is married or not, and I don’t care. I am not asleep or drunk and am entering into this relationship with him because I love it and want it as much as he does, and if I receive the satisfaction I expect, I am willing to participate again at an early date.Furthermore I will not act as a witness against him, nor will I file charges against him should I become pregnant, contract a sexual disease, or feel that he is violating the Mann White Slave Act.Signed, before jumping into bed,this ____ day of ____________ 19__Signed ________________________ Address________________________ ________________________ Date of Birth _______________ General Release WritThis certifies that I, the undersigned male about to enjoy sexual intercourse with __________________________________ am above the lawful age of consent, that I am in my right mind and am not under the influence of any drug or narcotic. Neither does she have to use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me.Furthermore I am in no fear of her whatsoever; do not expect or want to marry her, I don’t know if she is married or not, and I don’t care. I am not asleep or drunk and am entering into this relationship with her because I love it and want it as much as she does, and if I receive the satisfaction I expect, I am willing to participate again at an early date.Furthermore I will not act as a witness against her, nor will I file custody charges against her should she become pregnant, should I contract a sexual disease, or feel that she is misrepresenting herself. With this signature, I guarantee that the ensuing act of unprotected sexual intercourse represents my most sincere effort at irresponsibility.Signed, before jumping into bed,this ____ day of ____________ 19__Signed ________________________ Address________________________ ________________________ Date of Birth _______________

Heaven or Hell

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, “What’s going on?”

He says, “That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small hole drilled into their heads for their halos.”

She says, “Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I’d rather go to Hell.”

St. Peter says, “In Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomized.”

She says, “That’s okay. I’ve already got holes for that.”

Tell Me

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . .
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye.
She paused for moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . “You.”