The Twins

Alice’s twin boys were exact opposites. Bill was an eternal optimist. No matter how dark the cloud, he always found a silver lining. Bob was a hopeless pessimist…always finding the negative no matter how good the situation.

Alice asked a psychiatrist what to do about Christmas. The doctor told her to buy all the toys she could for Bob, the pessimist; and to get nothing for Bill. In fact, he told her to wrap up some manure for Bill. Christmas morning, Dave and Alice came downstairs and found the twins by the tree.

She asked Bob what Santa had brought him. “A BB gun, but I’ll probably hit someone in the eye and blind him. And a bicycle, but I’ll probably get run over and be killed while riding it. And a computer, but I’ll probably get carpal tunnel syndrome from too much typing. And an electric train, but I’ll probably electrocute myself,” said Bob.

Realizing it wasn’t going well, Alice asked Bill what he got.

“I’m not sure!!” he replied excitedly. “I think I got a pony, but I haven’t been able to find him yet.”

Three men crash their hot

Three men crash their hot air baloon into a tree in the middle of nowhere.

After being stuck there for hours unable to get down a man walks past underneith

One of the men in the tree shouts down to the man
”Ummmm….. excuse me……. where are we?”

The man below replys ”Your in a tree”
and then leaves

One man in the tree says to the other ” you can tell he is a lawyer.”

”How?”

”Exactly on the point but no use to anyone what so ever!”

Putting it in.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, “I had an affair with a woman – almost.”

The priest says, “What do you mean, ‘almost’?”
The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The man replied, “Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!”

Confucius

Confucius says…
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have
trouble putting on pants.

Confucius says…
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be
patient.

Confucius says…
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to
undoing of fly.

Confucius says…
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius says…
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make whole week.

Confucius says…
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find
nuts.

Confucius says…
Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt
up, than Man with pants down.

Confucius says…
He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius says…
Man with tight trousers is pressing his
luck.

Confucius says…
He who fishes in others’ holes often catches
crabs.

Non-seeing Eye Dog

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog.

At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: “I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass.”

Oral Sex Lately?

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked. While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, “Have you done oral sex lately?”

The man replied, “Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Did you find a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?”

The dentist says, “No, not quite. You’ve got some shit on the end of your nose!”

Trade for Lawn Mower

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishoners on a
bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn
mower.

“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I’m just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said
the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you
take my bike in trade for it?”

The boy said, “You got a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on
the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get
this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s ’cause you have to cuss at it to
get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been
so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t know if I even
remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep
pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

Your mamma!!The ugly one!

Your mama is so ugly, no man would dare to do sex with her cause she has a big fat ass.

Your mamma is so ugly, that everyone looks at her cause of her uglyness, but she thinks the people just stare at her cause she thinks they are just jealous of how pretty she looks.

Your mamma is so ugly, she thinks she is so beautiful but actually its the opposite.

Your mamma is so ugly, that the mirror even brakes!

Poor of your ugly mamma! She is so ugly!

Famous Mothers

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: “Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!”COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!”BABE RUTH’S MOTHER: “Babe, how many times have I told you — quit playing ball in the house! That’s the third broken window this week!”MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”CUSTER’S MOTHER: “Now, George, remember what I told you — don’t go biting off more than you can chew!”ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”BARNEY’S MOTHER: “I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you’re starting to look a little purple.”MARY’S MOTHER: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”BATMAN’S MOTHER: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”GOLDILOCKS’ MOTHER: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?” And finally….THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!”

Only Here For ?

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he gets to play two long solos.After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can’t wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.The movie starts, and it’s the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever…group sex, S&M, everything…and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men.Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, “I’m only here for the music.”The woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, “We’re only here to see our dog.”