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Some Lesser Known World Records

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MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED

Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES

Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH

Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZIT POPPING

In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

WORST DRINK

The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL

This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a ‘Cunt Pump’.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN

Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a ‘substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD

The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a ‘staggering turd’over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART

Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.72

Tres octogenarios se ponen a

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Tres octogenarios se ponen a comentar todo lo que hacen para tratar de dormir de noche, ya que cada vez les cuesta m�s trabajo hacerlo.

El primero declara que se queda escuchando radio toda la noche porque no puede agarrar el sue�o.

El segundo tampoco puede dormir, por lo que toda la noche la pasa leyendo.

El tercero dice que �l no tiene problemas y que duerme toda la noche.

Intrigados, los otros dos le preguntan que c�mo le hace.

El vetusto les responde que todas las noches se masturba.

“�Y acabas?”, le cuestionan asombrados.

“No, pero me canso y me duermo”.

George Bush was out jogging

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George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped,
fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing,
pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever
they wanted.
The first kid said: “I sure would like to go to Disneyland.” George said: “No
problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One.”
The second kid said: “I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.” George
said: “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”
The third kid said: “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and
stereo headset!!” George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says: “But you
don’t look like you are injured.” The kid says: “But I will be after my dad
finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”

The Top 20 Things One Might Hear on NRA Radio

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20> “Wake up, America! It’s time for Morning Drive-By with your host, Chuck Heston!”

19> “And here’s our number one song for an amazing 22nd week in a row: ‘Happiness is a Warm Gun’!”

18> “Caller, can you speak up? You’re getting drowned out by the noise from the black helicopters.”

17> “And now let’s hear from the gun control proponent who has been waiting on hold for 5 days….”

16> “Let’s face facts, people: No matter how you stand on gun control, when you become the commander-in-chief of the military, you become a licensed gun owner.”

15> “Go ahead, FCC… make our day.”

14> “Here’s a reminder from the traffic center: Carpool lanes are to be used only by drivers who have someone riding shotgun.”

13> “Here’s Woody Stockton, with the widest selection of wood stocks in stock in Stockman Woods County. Woody?”

12> “And now the news, brought to you today by Soldier of Fortune Magazine.”

11> “That was Aerosmith & Wesson with ‘Janie’s Got a Gun, Which Is Her Constitutionally Protected Right.'”

10> “Don’t touch that dial, you damned dirty ape!”

9> “Stay tuned. Up next is 50 Cent with ‘In Da Club.’ We don’t normally play rap, but hey, this guy’s been shot nine times. He’s living proof of what we’ve been saying all along: Guns *don’t* kill people.”

8> “Now, let’s go back to NRAdio’s most popular news program, ‘All Things Obliterated.'”

7> “Hi, Larry. Long time shooter, first time killer. Hey, I’m thinkin’ that maybe we should take the term ‘bleeding heart liberal’ just a little bit more literally.”

6> “We’re here live at the Plug-a-Pest for Jesus Invitational, where this year’s ‘guest’ is Michael Moore!”

5> “Calm down, caller, and let’s go through our checklist… Number one: Was the other hunter approaching you in a threatening manner?”

4> “That little gem was ‘I Shot the Sheriff — and the Deputy, the Warden, a Couple of Guards, a Meter Maid, a Vending Machine, Three or Four Plants….'”

3> “And here comes another Ted Nugent rock block… Holy crap! How many albums did Ted record?”

2> “Bud Light salutes you, Mr. Gun-Toting Bambi-Killer.”

1> “Here’s a long-distance dedication from Mike of Idaho. He writes, ‘Dear Casey, could you play LL Cool J’s ‘One Shot at Love’ for my girlfriend, Denise, who broke up with me last week after I shot her ’cause I thought she was a burglar’?”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Q: How many Democratic

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Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?A: (Richard Gephart) It doesn’t matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we’ll see how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.

Stuck on a mountain

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Three girls are stuck on a mountain,blonde,red-head, and a brown-haired girl. They all have a dream about a genie. The genie says”The next thing you say, you will become.” So the red-head says “Fish” and swims away in the shallow stream. The brown-hairedgirl says “Bird” and flys away.The blonde trips over a rock and says “crap” and turns into a pile of poo!

Polish New Car Is Busted

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A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks.

One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say “If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass.” They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing.

They walk over to him and ask “Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car.”

He says “I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times.”