What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Author: admin
Work Time Haircut
Boss: I notice you go out and get your hair cut during business hours.Employee: My hair grows during business hours.Boss: But it doesn’t all grow during business hours.Employee: I didn’t get it all cut.
Top 12 Reasons Why Swearing is Better than Sex
1. It’s just as much fun by yourself.
2. If you split up with your partner, they won’t spread malicious rumours about the size of your vocabulary.
3. It can be done in public.
4. The cops can’t trace you if you verbally abuse someone, usually.
5. A little one can be just as good as a big one.
6. No one gets jealous if you do it to a lot of people at the same time.
7. You won’t be ridiculed if you do it to someone of the same sex.
8. You can meet a stranger and have them doing it to you three seconds later.
9. It’s much more acceptable at family reunions. Hopefully.
10. If it comes and goes quickly it’s not a bad thing.
11. If you lose it in your old age, you won’t be disappointed.
12. No one spreads rumours about how easy you are to swear at.
When a sign that says
When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your jeans.Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Sex Ed.
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.
“Does anyone know what this is?” She asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my daddy has two of them!”
“Two of them?!” the teacher asked.
“Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!”
Lazy
I’ll tell you how lazy my kid is.
His goal in life is to become a tailor in a nudist colony.
Arthritis
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ”Father, what causes arthritis?” ”Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replied. ”Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: ”I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” ”I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, ”but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.”
Traffic Court
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
“What for?” he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”
The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”
Redneck Hotel
An older couple had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years.
To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
She said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.”
“But, madam!”, replied the bellman.
“Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued. “You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I’m going to complain to the manager.”
“Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room, this is the elevator!”
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Tantilazing
5 Good Reasons Not To…
5 Good Reasons not to be a Penis!
1. You’re bald your entire life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. You live between two nuts.
4. An asshole lives behind you.
5. When you get excited, you throw up and then you faint.
Blondes and Banks
a blonde a brunete and a redhead rob a bank, there is an alley next 2 it w/ 3 empty potatoe sacks they all get in one b/c the police ar after them. the brunete is in teh first sack and teh police kick it and she goes meow! and teh police go oh its just a stupid cat and teh move on 2 the next sack where teh red head is tehy kick the bag and she goes ruff ruff and teh police say oh its just a stupid dog and move on. tehy come 2 the sack with teh blonde, they kick it and she goes PO-TA-TOE!
VERY Offensive to Women
Some of these are EXTREMELY offensive. Women (and men) who are sensitive should probably skip this list.
1. What’s the difference between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy is warm and moist. A cunt is what owns it.
2. What’s a clitoris? A female hood ornament.
3. What’s the only bad thing about the 69 position ? The view.
4. Why do men fart more than women? Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
5. Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair? Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.
6. Why did god give men penises? So we’d always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
7. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
8. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
9. Why did God give women nipples? To make suckers out of men.
10. What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
11. What’s the white stuff you find in women’s panties? Clitty litter.
12. How do you know God meant for men to eat pussy? Why else would he make it look like a taco?
13. How can you tell if you ve been fucking your girl too much? Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch. If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.
14. How does a man know when he’s eaten pussy well? When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a glazed doughnut.
15. What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage.
16. Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.
17. What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for? It’s braille for “suck here”.
18. How can a woman tell she is ugly? Men only want to play dress poker with her.
19. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
20. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old does not? Her navel.
21. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
22. What do you call pulling off a woman’s panty hose? Foreplay.
23. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
24. Did you hear about the woman so fat she couldn’t t get out of bed? She kept rocking herself back to sleep.
25. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull? Lipstick.
26. How can you tell a macho women? She rolls her own tampons.
27. Why is a woman like a dog turd? The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
28. What’s the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet doesn’t follow you around once you’ve used it.
29. What do an AIDS patient and the man you caught in bed with your wife have in common? They’ve both fucked themselves to an early death.
30. How does a woman know that she is overweight? She’s lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.
31. How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner?? Why the fuck should we fix it, we don’t use the damn thing!
32. Why are women like screen doors? Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
33. What’s a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
34. How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex? Wipe your dick on the curtains.
35. How do you make a woman scream twice? Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on the drapes.
36. What’s the most active muscle in a woman? The penis.
37. How do you tell if your woman is sexually aroused? When you put your hand inside her panties it feels like a horse eating oats.
38. How are women like parking spaces? The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
39. why do women have tits? So men will talk to them.
40. If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely.
41. What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin? You come in one and go in the other.
42. How do you make love to a fat chick? Jerk off in your hand and throw it at her.
43. Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.
44. What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
45. Why do women skydivers wear tampons? So they don’t whistle on the way down.
46. Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat? They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
47. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.
48. Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them.
49. What do you call that useless piece of skin around a pussy? A woman.
50. What’s the definition of a menstrual period? A bloody waste of fucking time.
51. What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs while you vacuum.
52. Why does it take five women with PMS to change a light bulb? IT JUST DOES!!
53. What’s love? The delusion that one woman is different from another.
54. Did you hear about the Nancy Kerrigan special at Kentucky Fried Chicken? Two small breasts and a bruised thigh.
55. What do you call a 300 pound woman? Fat.
56. What’s Roseanne Barr’s favorite sex toy? Ben-Wa basketballs.
57. What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
58. Why is a fat woman like a moped? They’re both fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on either.
59. Why can’t you trust women? How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die?
60. What’s the best thing about a blowjob? Ten minutes of silence.
61. How can you tell a woman is wearing pantyhose? Her ankles swell up when she farts.
62. What do women and jelly have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
63. What s the best thing to give an 80 year old woman? Mikey – He’ll eat anything.
64. What’s the definition of a woman? A life support system for a pussy.
65. Why do women have legs? So they won’t leave snail tracks.
66. What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant? Her legs.
67. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.