Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Author: admin
Q: How many bureaucrats
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two–one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
What is the difference between a pie and a…
What is the difference between a pie and a woman?
The crust on a pie is good!
Doomed!
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, “Oh God, I’m doomed!”
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: “No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.”
So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: “Okay . . . . NOW you’re doomed.”
Drunken Donut II
A cop pulls over a guy.
“Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?”
“Gee, officer,” the man says. “Your eyes are awfully glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Emergency Room True Story
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.
The bigger they are, the
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
First Date
my friends first date true story he told me
6:00 pm
arrives at girls house
is told she is getting ready
father stares menacingly from across the den
6:10 pm
father blinks
girl comes down half naked to find bra
father covers boys eyes
6:30 pm
girl is finally ready
get in car
wont start
father gives advise
6:45 pm
car starts
girls sleeping cat dies inside car
car smells
7:00 pm
movie sold out
only movie avaliable: Shallow Hal
7:01 pm
leave in disgust
go out to dinner
7:10 pm
arrive at resterant
no reservation
has to slip waiter $100 to get table
7:15 pm
asks to go to bathroom
7:20 pm
goes in stall
glasses fall in toilet
7:25 pm
realizes glasses fell in toilet after taking a dump
must reach in to get glass
7:26 pm
faucet is broken
no towels must use tp
leaves white stuff on lenses and hands
7:45 pm
returns red-faced from all the cleaning
girl stares at him weird
said she ordered for them both
8:45 pm
food arrives
8:46 pm
takes first bite
finds it tasty
8:47 pm
asks what it is
8:48 pm
in the bathroom again
9:00 pm
finally nothing left in his stomach
returns to table
9:01 pm
girl says she didn’t know he was alergic to oysters
asks to go dancing
boy can’t dance but says yes
9:15 pm
returns to table with swollen feet
asks waiter for the strongest drink in the house
they bring him tap water
tounge is so numb from throwing up he can’t tell the difference
9:20 pm
bill arrives
girl suggests going dutch
boy refuses as to not look cheep
only has enough to leave a $.01 tip
says to himself the service wasn’t that good anyway
9:25 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for the black
eye the waiter gave him
9:30 pm
girl suggests going to make-out point
boy happily agrees
9:40 pm
arrives at make-out point
9:41 pm
sees girls parents in the next car
9:42 pm
moves to other side of the point
9:45 pm
heavy making out
9:46 pm
hears a knock on car window
rolls down window
girls father asks for a condom
boy floors it
father still walks with a limp
10:00 pm
arrives back at girls house
boy makes move to kiss girl
dad turns out light
girl yells “thanks dad now we can be really uninhibited”
light comes back on
10:05 pm
attempt at goodnight kiss
boy misses and falls onto girl, face on chest
10:06 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for stinging
cheek
10:10 pm
gets into car
car won’t start
dad comes out with a baseball bat
steps up to side of car
car starts
boy floors it
dad walks with a limp in the other leg too
11:20 pm
arrives at home
boys dad asked how the date went
boy crys
11:21 pm
father wonders if boy is gay
Great caddy
A man was looking for a new caddy one day when his friend said ” I know a great caddy – he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk”
“OK then ” said the man “tell him I’m playing again in a week. ”
The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddy “did you see where it went”
The caddy then said “yes”
“OK then where is it?”
The caddy replied “I forgot.”
The right of the people to be secure in their…
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses,
papers,
and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall
not be
violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause,
supported
by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to
be
searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
– The Constitution of the United States of America
Amendment 4, 1791
Chemistry song 14
We Three Students Of Chemistry AreWe three students of chemistry aretaking tests that we think are hardStoichiometry, volumes and densitiesworrying all the time.O room of wonderroom of frightRoom of thermitesblinding light:With your energiesplease don’t burn usHelp us get our labs all right.
Viagra
One day an extremly aged man walks into his local doctors office
and nervously sits down. “Doctor” he said, “I really need u to
prescribe me 3 viagra pills!” The doctor laughs at this and
says” You know damn well your too old to be taking those pills!”
“Your in bad health and they could have a nasty side efect on
u!” The man pleads telling the doctor that he dosent care and
that he knows dosent doubt his shriveled cock will grow to its
normal proper size! “Well tell me old man, what is it u need
three for?” The old man Frowns and blushes as he tells him,
“Well, i need 1 for monday, thats when my wifes coming home.
Then i need one for tuesday, for when i meet my ex wife. Then i
need one for wednesday, thats when my friend steve comes over!”
The doctor in shock says, “well, ok, but u have to promise me
that youll come and see me in one week for another check up!”
The man agrees and the doctor gives him a prescription. That
saturday the old man comes walking into the office with a
swollen arm in a sling and cast! The doctor in shock asks him
what happened. The old man frowns and replies, “they never
showed up!”