Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
Author: admin
On top
A man and a woman are having sex, the man on bottom the woman on top.
My question to you: Is this the one time the woman does not mind the man fucking-up?
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
blondes and computer
How do you know that a blonde was using the computer?there is white out on the screenHow do you know that another blonde was using that computer?there is writing over the white outHow do you know that a third blonde was using the computer?the joystick is wet
Vow of Silence!
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He’s allowed to say only two words every 7 years.
After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.
“Cold floors,” he says.
They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.
He clears his throat and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away.
7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.
“I quit,” he says.
“That’s not surprising,” the elders say…
“You’ve done nothing but complain since you’ve been here!”
Expensive Perfume
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.
yo mamas like a bigmac, full of fat and only…
yo mamas like a bigmac, full of fat and only worth a buck
2 drunks bar hopping
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.
They only had a dollar in change between them. “I’ve got it, follow Me.” said
the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. “We’ll
go into a bar and order drinks, and when the
Bartender asks for money, I’ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop
to your knees and pretend to suck me off.”
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, “That will be 3 dollars�.
The first man stands up and unzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees
and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
“You faggots�, screams the bartender. “Get the hell out of here!”
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender
asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and
The second man drops to his knees.
The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, “Man this isn’t working out so
well, my knees are killing me!”
“You think you’ve had it bad�, the first man exclaims. “I lost the hotdog 4
bars ago!”
Vegetable garden
Q: where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: the vegetable garden.
Yo mama so stupid…
Yo mama so stupid she went to the Superbowl with a spoon.
Tech Support “Classics!”
Customer: “Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.”
Tech Support: “What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left.
It’s defective!”
Tech Support: “You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa.”
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)
****************
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,
“Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this “yellow” construction paper?”
*******************
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer’s tech support number, complaining about the error message: “Can’t find the printer.”
On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn’t find it! (YEE-HAW!)
*****************
Customer: “Hello? I’m trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, ‘No Carrier,’ on my screen. What’s wrong?”
*****************
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer.” (Training stresses that we are “not the Soft-ware Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”
Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”
Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”
Customer:(proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it’?”
Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”
Customer: “After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?”
******************
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.
A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, “Leave me alone!”
They both jumped back, silenced. “What the . . . ” the teacher said.
I typed, “I said leave me alone!”
The kid got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!”
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: “Don’t touch me!”
Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”
Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
***************
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing “A:” and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn’t type the “dot over dot thingie” and that every time he tried to type the “dot over dot thingie” he kept getting the “dot over comma thingie” no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of
the key.
When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.
*****************
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an “Access Denied” message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: “OK, let’s try once more, but use lower case letters.” Customer: “Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.”
****************
Email from a friend: “CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?”
****************
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, “It’s about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!”
****************
Adoption
A child custody case was held in court.
The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn’t decide who he should grant full custody to.
So he asks the little boy, “Would you like to live with your mother?”
“No,” said the boy.
“Why not?” said the judge.
“Because she beats me.”
The judge says “Okay, then you’ll go live with your father.”
“Oh no,” cried the boy. “He beats me too!”
Dumbfounded, the judge asks, “Okay, who do you want to live with?”
“I want to live with the Boston Red Sox.”
“Why?” asks the judge.
“They don’t beat anybody.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Funny organization
Dear Brad: I was reading the Women’s Centre newsletter here at U of T and I came across the following ad. Now, I don’t think it’s funny to belong to such an organization, but the specialization it indicates rivals Monty Python’s crazy organizations (e.g. the Humber and District Catholic River-Widener’s Club, the Royal Society for Pushing Sailors into Shops):
April 22-24 If you are a Jewish Lesbian with one or more parents who survived the holocaust, or a partner, join the Jewish Lesbian Daughters of Holocaust Survivors for a weekend in New Hampshire. Workshops discussion and support around the issues we share.