An exasperated caller to a computer Tech support couldn’t get her new computer
to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her
what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and
pushed on” this foot pedal and nothing happened”. The ‘foot pedal’ turned out to
be the computer’s mouse.
Author: admin
Guess The Name
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I’ll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.” The man says, “Thanks…Mike’s Place?” “Nope.””Mike’s Tavern?” “No,””Mike’s Pub?””No, but here’s a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get’s it. The joint’s name is Sally’s Leggs! “That’s a good one.” the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and ask’s him what he is doing there. He responds, “I’m just waiting for Sally’s Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!”
Estaban tres borrachos conversando y
Estaban tres borrachos conversando y uno le dice al otro:
“Oye.. �para ti qu� es m�s r�pido?
Uno de los otros dos borrachos le contesta: “Para m� lo m�s r�pido es el rayo porque medio cae y ya est� el rayo”
El otro borracho dice: “Para m� la luz porque medio prendes el foco y ya est� la luz”
Entonces los dos borrachos le preguntan al primero: “�Y para ti?” “�Para m� lo m�s r�pido es la diarrea, por que el otro dia me levante como un rayo, prend� el foco y ya estaba cagado…”
When the door is open.
Q: When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house?
A: When the door is open.
No Frills Airlines
Nine signs you are on a No Frill Airline
1. You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.
2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”
7. No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
8. You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.
9. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
More Brains Than Dogs
Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?
So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women’s knees at parties.
Your Mamma So OLD
your mamma sooooo old she sat behind Jesus in the 3rd grade.
your mamma is SSSOOOOOOO OLD she was the waiter at the last supper
Joy of seXmas
Kinda stupid Window 95/98/NT animation.The Joy of seXmas (380K)Note: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit programs. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!
Kool-Aide
Yo mamma so fat she walked out in a red dress and everyone yelled kool-aide
Cark Wreck
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, “I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing ‘Shell’ sign. And somebody was standing in front of the ‘S.'”
2 new elements
Element name: Woman.
Symbol: W0.
Atomic Weight: Don’t even go there.
Physical Properties: Generally round in form, boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: Man.
Symbol: XY.
Atomic Weight: 150 kg plus or minus 50 kg.
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find pure sample. Due to rust, ageing samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of W0, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Bargain
Always on the lookout for a bargain, I was dining out and came across a menu
entree “T-Bone* $4.25”. I inquired of the waiter how they could sell a dinner at
that price. He advised me to check the bottom of the menu. Next to the “*” was
“with meat, $14.95”