An 80 year old couple decide they want kids again. They visit the doctor who suggests, since they are a little older than usual, some tests might be in order. He hands the couple a small jar and asks them to go next door and for the gentleman to fill it so they can test his sperm count.A few minutes later the couple returns and hands back the jar. The doctor exclaims, “But it’s still empty!”The main replies, “I know. I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with both hands, and I still couldn’t do it. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then her left hand, and with both hands. She tried with her teeth in and her teeth out, and we still couldn’t get the lid off that jar!”
Author: admin
How do u drownd a blonde
Q: How do u drownd a blonde?
A: Put a skratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Friendly Priest
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy
trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is
very small, and the doorbell is placed at normal adult height, and the little
fellow just can’t reach. After watching the boy’s sorry efforts for some time as
he moves closer to the boy’s position, the priest steps smartly across the
street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing one hand kindly on the
child’s shoulder, leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks,
“And now what, my little man?”
To which the urchin replies, “Now we run like Hell!”
Arriving home very drunk
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”
The honky
What is very very flat?
A white womans ass.
Woman With Cork
A woman goes to see her doctor, on entering the doctors office she removes her knickers and shows the doctor her vagina, which has a cork inserted. The doctor says what is your problem, The woman replies look when I remove the cork from my vagina this happens, she pulled the cork free, and the surgery was full of chanting England, England England. The doctor said you have nothing to worry about………………………………………Lots of cunts do that
My Grandmother’s CD-ROM Drive
My grandmother just got a new computer, but she has no clue how to use it.
One night she called my father with a computer problem. “I bought a CD
today, but it won’t fit in the CD drive in the computer. What’s wrong?”
asked my grandmother. “Ma,” my father replied, “you never had a CD-ROM
drive in the computer.”
My grandmother thought the floppy drive, was for CD-ROMs.
The race
A blonde and a brunette were having a race by jumping off a cliff. The race was to see who could reach the bottom of the cliff first.
Who won…………….
……The brunette as the blonde stoped to ask for directions!
The Top 15 Quotes We Wish Were in the “Lord of the Rings” Movies
15> “Say my name, dwarf!”
14> “Look, Sam, my name isn’t *Mr.* Frodo — it’s Frodo. Mr. Baggins if you’re nasty.”
13> “You had me at ‘Aiya vanima.'”
12> “Nice work killing that Orc, faithful friend, but still it twitches. Slay it again, Sam!”
11> “I. Don’t. Like. The. Leggings. Drying. On. The. Rod!”
10> “It don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that ring… doo-wah-tee-wah, doo-wah-tee-wah, doo-wah-tee-wah!”
9> “Brethren of Gondor, we are gathered here to join Arwen Evenstar and Aragorn, son of Arathorn, in holy matrimony. Frodo, do you have the ring?”
8> “Elvens have left the building.”
7> “Attention, audience: Fair Arwen is speaking, so you may all relax, as nothing important will take place. The next 10 minutes would be an excellent time to go pee.”
6> “Legolas my Eggolas!”
5> “Go not by that path, Aragorn! For my young companion Osment sees dead people!”
4> “Smeagol, do you like movies about gladiators?”
3> “You sure you ain’t never been just a wee bit curious, Mr. Frodo?”
2> “Ha! Let the dark armies of Saruman come! It would take an entire brigade of giant mutant four-tusked elephants to conquer our… well, son of a bitch!”
1> “Run, forest, run!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Surgical Subject
So, it seems this group of surgeons were sitting about during an
interlude, when the usual topic came up…
The first surgeon said:
“Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second surgeon said:
“Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in
alphabetical order.”
The third pipes up:
“Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color coded.”
The fourth sneers:
“Lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads
and their butts are interchangeable.”
To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to
the conversation while sipping from a bottle of Jack Daniels (as
all surgeons do between operations), says:
“I like engineers… they always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end.”
Smoke after sex
A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks. The man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking.
He said, “You really ought to quit.”
She, tired of his nagging, said, “I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.”
He replied, “But they stunt your growth.”
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, “So, what’s your excuse?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Shortest books
The Shortest Books Ever Written.
1000 Years of German Humor
Everything Men Know About Women
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
Who’s who in Puerto Rico
Americans’ Guide to Etiquette
Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook
Submitted by Tbone
Edited by Curtis