I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.”This computer has flat-lined,” a co-worker called out with mock horror.”Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?”
Author: admin
title search
Title Search Excerpted from the Empire State Surveyor, New York Society of Professional Surveyors, November 1990 One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan. His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms and applications and sent them appropriately. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply: “We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly, etc.”As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:”Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish said title to be claimed back further than I have done it. I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portuguese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella of Spain. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus’ voyage before she sold her jewels to help him. Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I hope to hell you’re satisfied.”
Turtle and a Blonde?
What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
When they’re on their back their both fucked!
Fart, farts everywhere!
An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him – “Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time. In fact while I’ve been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.”
The doctor nods and gives her some pills. “Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.”
So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. “What kind of medicine is this? I’m still farting just as much? They still don’t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!”
The doctor nodded, “It’s alright, now that we have your sinus’ cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing next!”
Jump out of the plane
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a
small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We’re having
mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3
of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive”
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath
and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also
jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and
he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Yo mama has
Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
You got crabs
My version of ( I got friends in low places )
Oh, you got crabs in low places
where the doche juice runs and the queer chases
your crabs away…
oh.. you’ll be ok…
Oh you got full off of tuna fish,
and just biting those places that seem to itch
oh you got crabs… in low places
Death
Death: What some patients do in the end, to humiliate the doctor.
MEN: Please Read Rules Before Proceding
1. Please do not talk to my breast. You won’t be meeting them.
2. If you want to control someone sleep with your remote.
3. I always choose chocolate over men-always.
4. 51% love goddess 49% bitch.
5. My sexual preference is NO.
6. MY body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray.
7. It’s not the size that counts, it’s… no, wait, size does
count.
8. Rrmember you horny peice of dirt, girls are made of sugar,
spice, and everything nace.
9. Men are like hardware floors, lay them right the first time
and you can walk all over them forever.
10. Save your breath for your inflatable date.
Soft and wet
What goes in hard and dry and comes out wet and soft? Chewing gum
2 Kiddies Playing Do
One day there was two children playing doctor. A girl and a boy. The boy liftes his shirt and points at his nipples and said “I’ve got two of these, how about you?” So the little girl opened her blouse and showed him her nipples. So the boy showed her his belly button. And the girl showed him hers. The little boy now getting upset, pulls dowm his drawers and points at his penis. The little girl pulled up her skirt and pushed her underwear to the side, but she searched and searched see couldn’t find it. The little boy taunted her for about 5 minutes, then the girl ran home. Soon enough she returned to the boy’s house and said ” My mommy told me when I’m 15 years old, I could have has much of those as I want!”
Penis for a Day
A survey asked women what they would do if they woke up and had a penis for the day. These responses were taken from the survey:
I would walk around and prod him all night long with it, whatever he is doing I’ll be there prodding him with it.
I would write my name in the snow.
I would go into my boss’ office and lay it on his desk and say “where is my raise?
I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him & tell him to roll over & try something new.
I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.
I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.
I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.
I would measure it both ways.
Pee off of a tall building.
I would get racked to see if it really hurts.
I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.
I would see what a woman felt like on the other end.
I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day.
Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything.
Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.
I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.
Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best.
Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.
See how many donuts I could carry with it.
Check out my boyfriend’s gag reflexes.