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Three Pints

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pints goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” He explains. “It’s just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

Hasn’t affected me brothers though.

Hab�a un hombre tirado en

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Hab�a un hombre tirado en el piso durmiendo a ra�z de tremenda borrachera. De repente pasa un vago de aquellos y, aprovech�ndose de su condici�n, se lo coge, pero como recompensa le deja un billete. Al d�a siguiente, el borracho se despierta y �milagro! ve el billete tirado a su lado. Lo toma sin explicarse de donde sali� y se va al bar. Cuando llega al bar dice: “deme 5 vasos de vino blanco.”

Tras otra borrachera se queda otra vez dormido en la calle, vuelve a pasar por ah� el vago y se lo vuelve a coger. El borracho despierta, ve otro billete, va al bar y pide nuevamente 5 vasos de vino blanco. Como era de esperarse, se repite otra vez la historia, y el borrach�n amanece por tercera vez con un billete a su lado.

Se dirige al bar y el cantinero en cuanto lo ve llegar le dice: “S�, ya s�, 5 vasos de vino blanco.” El borracho le responde: “�No, esta vez que sea tinto porque el blanco rompe mucho el culo!

Tres negros en la c�rcel

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Tres negros en la c�rcel de Sud�frica (antes de Mandela). Uno le comenta a otro:

“�Cuantos a�os te han echado?”

“7 a�os”.

“�Por qu�?”

“Iba andando por la calle, cuando decid� cruzar al otro lado, me atropell� un coche de un blanco, y le atraves� la luna delantera”.

“�De qu� te acusaron?”

“Allanamiento de morada. �Y a ti?”

“Me han echado 15 a�os por una cosa parecida a la tuya”.

“�Cu�l?”

“Iba caminando por una calle; cuando decid� cruzarla, me atropell� un coche de un blanco, le atraves� la luna delantera y la trasera”.

“�Y de que te acusaron?”

“Allanamiento de morada e intento de fuga”.

El tercer negro interviene: “Pues a m� me han echado 25 a�os tambi�n por una cosa parecida”.

“�Cu�l?”

“Iba por la calle; cuando decid� cruzarla, me atropell� el coche de un blanco, entr� por la luna delantera, sal� por la trasera y despu�s el blanco se baj� del coche y me clav� un hacha en el pecho”.

“�Y de qu� te acusaron?”

“Allanamiento de morada, intento de fuga y tenencia il�cita de armas”.

Two Bullocks

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There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population and young George was pretty excited.”Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?” asked George.”George, relax. Here is how it works. We’ll wait until they’re lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion.” said Sam.”Okay, I can do that.” George answered.Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam had a few more instructions.”Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I’ll start at one end and you can start at the other. We’ll meet in the middle” said Sam.”OK, OK, let’s go!” said George.”Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?” said Sam.”Sure” says George. Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up.George starts at one end and Sam at the other.George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam’s instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say- “Thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, Oops! Sorry Sam, thank you ma’am.”

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

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-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been fired from his job.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It doesn’t matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked them out.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When foreigners are alone, they all prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Every time a person turns on the television to see the news, he instantly sees what he wants and what concerns him.

Helping out the knight

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Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts ‘A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!”.The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, “Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses”.Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says “But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?”.The young girl says “I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?”Sir Edgbert is desperate and says “If I must, I must. Show me the animal”. The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It’s coat is threadbare, it’s legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, “Surely, you wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this?”