When a woman says: ‘This place is a mess! C’mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don’t do laundry right now, you’ll have no clothes to wear.’What a man hears: ‘blah, blah, blah, blah, c’mon blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah on the floor, blah, blah, blah, right now, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes.’
Author: admin
Clotty litter
Q. What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clotty litter.
The Top 14 Surprises at the Comic Strip Character 25-Year Reunion (Part I)
14> The Lockhorns are still married, and still not the least bit funny.
13> These days, Brenda Starr looks more like Bart Starr.
12> Beetle Bailey spends the whole night at a corner table with the Goths, swilling tequila and railing about the government.
11> Peppermint Patty is a touring golf pro on the LPGA.
10> A long stay in Oswald State Penitentiary has made Dennis 35 percent less menacing.
9> “Look at Cathy over there with Peppermint Patty. I guess she solved her guy problems.”
8> Billy from “Family Circus” unable to attend as he was convicted of cocaine possession after a jury rejected his “Not Me!” defense.
7> “Little Orphan Annie! Did you have your eyes done?”
6> Sarge’s and Zero’s looks haven’t changed much, thanks to breakthroughs in external-tooth denture technology.
5> Director of Homeland Security Sluggo sends his regrets.
4> What the hell?!? Jughead somehow managed to become president of the United States!!
3> Charlie Brown’s bad toupee scares the holy hell out of Marmaduke.
2> Pig Pen now runs a trash business and is married to Anna Nicole Smith.
1> After numerous complaints about the punch, all eyes turn to the snickering man in the corner holding a ratty stuffed tiger.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Clinton and Paula Jones
What did Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her story?
NOW she decides to open her mouth.
No Chance
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.
After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. “Your husband is very sick,” the doctor said. “Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.
First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything.
Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day.”
The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room.
“What did the doctor say?” he asked.
“I’m sorry, m’dear,” she said, “but he said you’re not going to make it.”
Women Drivers
A truck driver tried to edge his semi past the blonde lady driver on the road ahead of him as she was obviously having difficulty deciding which lane she wanted to be in. Finally, her mind made up, the woman veered into the truck driver’s lane and jammed on her brakes, which resulted in a slight collision.Unhurt but obviously harried, the blonde driver rushed over to the truck driver and started to bawl him out, barking, “You knew I was going to do something idiotic. Why didn’t you stop to wait and see what it was?”
Signs You’ve Had Enough to Drink
– You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
– You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
– Job interfering with your drinking.
– Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
– Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
– The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
– Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
– 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!
– Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!
– You can focus better with one eye closed.
– The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
– You fall off the floor…
– Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
– Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
– Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
– At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh.
– Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
– You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
– The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
– You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
– Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
– Roseanne looks good.
– Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
– That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
– Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
– I’m as jober as a sudge.
– The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
– You wake up screaming “TORO, TORO, TORO!” in the middle of the night.
Un caballo entra a una
Un caballo entra a una cantina y pide un tequila doble; se lo toma y se va. Del otro lado de la cantina est�n dos borrachos. Asombrado, uno de ellos le pregunta al otro:
“�Notaste algo raro?”
“Creo que s�”, contesta confundido el compa�ero.
“�Y qu� fue?”
“No pago”.
No hay placer m�s singular
No hay placer m�s singular
que el de despu�s de cagar:
con un cigarrillo encendido
el culo queda agradecido
y la mierda en su lugar.
En este mundo matraca
caga el rey, caga el Papa;
y de cagar nadie se escapa
pues hasta la mujer m�s guapa
tira bolas de caca.
The president has declared war on alcohol….
The president has declared war on alcohol.
He wants everyone to go out and kill a fifth.
Stranded blonde
a blond, a brunette and a redhead are straned on an island after a ship sunk. they were the only survivors. mainland is ten miles away.
the brunette tries to swim back, and at 4 miles gets eaten by sharks. the redhead gets 7 miles and also gets eaten by sharks.
the blonde gets 8 miles and then gets tired so she swims back.
Insults
You have “mint” breath.
Mint to brush your teeth and forgot!