Valentine Cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

Taking A Piss

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream.

Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.

Fortunately they come to a place where they can cross and proceed.

Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, “I’ve always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate in a stream.”

The other woman looks around and says, “well, I don’t see anyone around, now’s your chance!”

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and squats.

As she begins to urinate, she looks down. “Holly shit!” she exclaims, “I just pissed on a man in a canoe!”

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. “Calm down,” she says. “That wasn’t a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection.”

Blonde Stewerdess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde
stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in
another city. So upon their arrival, the captain showed the
stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and
stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the
day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew
which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her.

She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out
of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,”
she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has
a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb'”!!!

Memory Loss

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, “You did very good tonight. You didn’t need any help at all. Why is that?”

Max replied, “Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven’t had any problems at all.”

“Memory school? What memory school?”

Max thought for a moment, “Oh, what’s that flower that’s red with thorns? A really pretty flower…?”

“A rose?”

“Yeah…that’s it!”

Max turned to his wife and mumbled, “Hey, Rose! What’s the name of that memory school you sent me to?”

Glossary

Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology:

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn’t understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

The whole world could be happy

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.Bill: “Why don’t I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy.”Hillary: “Well, why don’t you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy.”Al: “Why don’t you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.”Tipper: “Why don’t we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy.”

New Drug – Worse than Viagra

A woman walks into her sex therapist’s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn’t know; it’s an experimental drug and she doesn’t know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist’s office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband’s morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist’s office and says: “Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?”

“Why, yes, young man, I did.Why?”

“Well, mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad’s sittin’ in the corner going “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…”

What a gynecologist does

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took onelook at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. Heimmediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatologicalabnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Doyou know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient andstarted having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in thefirst place.”