After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said “Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please.” The bartender gave him the drink.Then the Budweiser President orders, “The King Of Beers — Budweiser.” The bartender proceeds with the order.The Amstel President walks in and orders “The Finest Beer ever.” The bartender gives him an Amstel.Then the Guinness President says, “I’ll have a coke please.” The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.All the Presidents looked over at him and said, “Why have you ordered a coke?” He replied, “Well if you all aren’t drinking beer, then neither shall I.”
Author: admin
FOOD
What’s the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian?
One’s a snack cracker, and the other’s a crack snacker.
Lonesome Parrot
There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years. One day, the parrot came to the old man and said,” ya know, I’ve never had a woman in my life.” So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars. He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed. He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. “What are you doing?” the old man screamed. The parrot replied, “Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the bitch naked!!”
Esta era una vez una
Esta era una vez una fiesta de puntos, y �stos estaban bien entrados bailando y chupando. En eso, tocan a la puerta. El punto due�o de la casa corre a abrir y cu�l fue su sorpresa al ver que qui�n llamaba era un asterisco. Sorprendido, el punto le pregunta:
“�Qu� haces aqu�? ��sta es una fiesta de puntos!”
“Soy un punto, nada m�s que en el camino me despeine”, responde el asterisco.
Never take a job where winter winds can blow…
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
– Geraldo Rivera
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?A: They think someone is taking their picture.
There is a truck driver
There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride. He’s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, ”Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!” So he speeds up and heads straight for him. At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss, him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer. He says to the priest ”Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!” The priest then replies ”That’s ok son, I got him with my door.”
Your wife just fell out
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”
Bartender help
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?”
The bartender quickly replies, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Artie
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to
have her killed. A “friend of a friend” put him in touch with a nefarious
underworld figure, who went by the name of Artie.
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but
that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s
insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man
opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept
the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local supermarket
grocery section store. There, he surprised her in the produce department,
and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the
manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to
strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire
proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store’s
security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under
intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan,
including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared,
“ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SUPERMARKET.”
Potato
there was a blonde,brunett,and a black haired girl. thay just robbed a bank and was runing from the cops.the brunett jumped in a bag that said cat,the black haired girl jumped into a bag that said dog,and the blonde jumped into a bag that said potatos. The cops came and kicked the bag that said cat and she goes,”meeow.”then they kicked the bag that said dog and she said,”woof woof!”then they kicked the bag that said potato and she says,”po-taaa-toooooo”
Gorilla Headache
It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes crazy.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.
He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. “Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.”
This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci