Saturday, September 6, 1997…

Saturday, September 6, 1997

Ligonier, PA. — There was an old woman who worked in a shoe. She
saw a lot of tourists and knew exactly what to do.

After 25 years of playing the “old woman who lived in a shoe” at the
nursery rhyme-themed Story Book Forest at Idlewild Park, Nellie
Gindlesperger is retiring at the end of the summer at age 85.

She has spent her days crocheting in front of the park’s massive brown and
green boot, often putting down her sewing to talk to visitors.

“So many of the little ones ask me how many children I have,” she said. “I
tell them that all of the children who come through Story Book Forest are
mine.”

Gindlesperger, who in real life has five children and whose own mother
played the role for 12 years before her, teaches nursery rhymes to her
visitors.

“They aren’t teaching the youngsters nursery rhymes today,” she said. “Our
fairy tales are going to be lost.”

Her fairy tales come with a personal twist.

“She said that she really was the old lady in the shoe, and someone wrote a
nasty old poem about her,” said 8-year-old Gina Crivella.

Idlewild Park is about 35 miles east of Pittsburgh.

Female comebacks!

Guy:how do you like your eggs in the morning?

woman:unfertilized

Guy:my place or yours??

Woman:both,I’ll go to mine and you’ll go to yours!

Guy:is this seat empty?

Woman:yeah,and this one will be if you sit down!

Guy:Hey baby whats your sign?

Woman:Do not enter

Guy:I would go to the end of the world for you!

Woman:Yeah, but would you stay there?

Guy:If I saw you naked,I’d die happy!

Woman:If I saw you naked,I’d probably die laughing.

Guy:Have I seen you someplace before?

Woman:Yeah,that’s why I don’t go there anymore!

Guy:what do you do for a living?

Woman:I’m a female impersonator.

Guy:your body is like a temple!

Woman:Sorry,there are no services today.

The Top 13 Changes Under a Government Run by Pro Wrestlers

13. Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.

12. President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera.

11. IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.

10. Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners– Hey, wait a minute…

9. Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school. 8. Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.

7. January 20: Inauguration ceremonies

January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids

6. Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house.

5. During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair.

4. Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.

3. Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.

2. Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.

1. Before: Mr. Vice President

After: Stone Cold Al Gore

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

21 Things Women Need To Know About Men

1. Understand that we don’t give a shit about clothes. Yours or
ours. All we need is one pair of work shoes and one pair of
church shoes.

2. Don’t talk to us when the television is on. Very simple.
Television off, we talk. Television on, we don’t talk.

3. Ditto that for the computer.

4. If you can’t be bothered to take an interest in what we like
to do, don’t expect us to give a rat’s ass about what you want
to do.

5. Don’t ask us how many other women we’ve slept with. You don’t
want to know.

6. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking. Men can think about nothing
for hours.

7. Don’t tell us how many other men you have slept with.

8. Don’t try and be subtle, just say what’s on your mind and be
honest.

9. Stop bitching about us leaving the seat up, ok? Is ANYTHING
involving the bathroom important enough to argue over? No.

10. Men are stupid. We do stupid things. This will never change,
so don’t try to force it, just learn to live with it.

11. Not all men like sports and cars.

12. A lot more men than you might believe think that Pamela
Anderson is a nasty ho.

13. There is nothing wrong with your breasts. We love ALL
breasts, including yours.

14. Don’t ask a guy to go down on you unless you would do the
same for him.

15. Slap your husband/boyfriend if he keeps bugging you about
having a threesome with a friend of yours. Shitbags like that
give the rest of us a bad name.

16. Don’t ask us what we think about other women unless you
REALLY want to know.

17. Don’t try to get us to set our best friends up with your
overweight girlfriend. He wouldn’t do it to me, and I won’t do
it to him.

18. Don’t try and find answers to what men want in magazines
like Cosmo, just ask us.

19. Don’t be surprised if we don’t know what we want.

20. Don’t try and tell us what we want.

21. If you wouldn’t watch the action movie with us, then don’t
ask us to go to the chick flick with you.

Signs you’ve almost had enough to drink

– You lose arguments with inanimate objects.- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.- Job interfering with your drinking.- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.- Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.- Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!- You can focus better with one eye closed.- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.- You fall off the floor…- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!- Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you- At AA meetings you begin: ”Hi, my name is… uh.- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmm.- The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…- You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women/Men.- Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.- Roseanne looks good.- Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.- That damned pink elephant followed me home again.- Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.- I’m as jober as a sudge.- The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.- You wake up screaming ”TORO, TORO, TORO!” in the middle of the night.

You’ve got mail

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: “You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box.”The blonde answered, “No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail.”

Canoe

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief of the cannibals comes to them and says “Guys, I have good news and bad news.”

“The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe.”

“The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”

The Frenchman says, in a very heavy french accent, “I take ze sword.”

When the chief gives him a sword the Frenchman takes it, exclaims “Vive la France,” and runs himself through.

The Englishman is next. He looks the chief in the eye and says “A pistol for me, please.”

The chief gives him the pistol. The Englishman cocks the gun, points it at his head, yells “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The chief turns to the New Yorker. “Gimme a fork,” the man says, with complete disdain.

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives the man a fork.

The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over his body – the stomach, the sides, the chest, his arms, his legs, everywhere.

Blood is gushing out of what seems like every inch of his body. It is horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks “My God, what are you doing?”

The New Yorker looks up at him from the ever expanding pool of blood and says “So much for your canoe, you stupid bastard!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman