a guy runs into a bar!!!
Author: admin
Er… Scottie?
A quote from Star Trek:
“Very funny Scottie, now beam down my clothes.”
Psychology
A Psychology professor was giving a lecture on Bi-Polar Disorder.
“Let us establish some parameters,” said the professor. “Now then, Bennett, what is the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness,” replied Bennett.
“And the opposite of depression, Ms. Buston?”
“Elation, sir.”
“And you Thomas, how about the opposite of woe?”
“I believe that would be giddy up, sir.”
President Musharraf
“President Musharraf, he’s still tight with us on the war against terror, and
that’s what I appreciate. He’s a � he understands that we’ve got to keep Al
Qaeda on the run, and that by keeping him on the run, it’s more likely we will
bring him to justice.” �George W. Bush, Ruch, Ore.
Airline Speech
In my own words: “I was flying from SFO to PDX on Friday, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like ‘what the heck?’ (Getting PDX people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn’t forget. I’ve left out a few parts I’m sure, but this is most of it.”
Before takeoff…
“Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to Portland. If you’re going to Portland, you’re in the right place. If you’re not going to Portland, you’re about to have a really long evening.”
“We’d like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is…The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.”
“There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane’s rear end. If you’re seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you’ll be glad you did.
We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.”
“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won’t inflate, but there’s oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.”
“In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I’m having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.”
“Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it’s a pulley thing — not a pushy thing like your car because you’re in an airplane — HELLOOO!!”
“There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight…hold on, let me check what it is…Oh here it is; the movie tonight is ‘Gone with the Wind.’ “
“In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it’s going to get really dark, really fast. If you’re afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don’t press the orange button unless you absolutely have to.
The orange button is your seat ejection button.”
“We’re glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there’s anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don’t hesitate to ask.”
“If you all weren’t strapped down you would have given me! a standing ovation, wouldn’t you?”
After landing…
“Welcome to the Portland International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It’s not the captain’s fault. It’s not the copilot’s fault. It’s the asphalt.”
“Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don’t even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because ‘shift happens’.”
The Intercom
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little
horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, would you give me a
blowjob?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?
Him: “Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way. It’s just too risky!”
Him (horny as hell): “Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?”
Her: “No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: “No, no. I just can’t”
Him: “I beg you…”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in
a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a
blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can
come down himself and do it. But for God’s sake tell him to take
his hand off the intercom!”
You Might Be A College Student:
You Might Be A College Student:
If you average 3 hours of sleep a night
If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t
If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
If you wake up 10 minutes before class
If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them
If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
If your social life consists of a date with the library
If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
If you carry less than a dollar on your person
If you haven’t done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
If you celebrate when you find a quarter
If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
If you get more sleep in class than in your room
If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
If you can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo
If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
If you get more e-mail than mail……
THEN YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT!!!
En la escuela la profesora
En la escuela la profesora le pregunta a Jaimito:
“Jaimito, dime una palabra que tenga muchas o.”
Y Jaimito dice:
“Goloso.”
Luego la maestra le pregunta a Pepito:
“Dime una palabra que tenga muchas o.”
Y pepito dice:
“�Goooooooool!”
Three Bills in Heaven
Three Bills all die at the exact same moment: Bill Clinton,
Billy Graham, and Bill Gates.
They arrive at the Pearly Gates but since St. Peter is on
vacation they are escorted directly into God’s throne room, to
be judged by God Himself.
God asks Bill Clinton what he believes and Clinton replies, “I
believe in equality and justice for all the people of the world.”
God says that’s a very admirable belief and invites him to sit
to his left.
God then asks Billy Graham what he believes and Graham replies,
“I believe in the salvation promised in the Bible and in the
saving grace of your son, Jesus Christ.”
God says that’s an even more admirable answer and invites him to
sit to his right.
God then turns to Bill Gates and asks what he believes and Gates
replies, “I believe you’re sitting in my chair.”
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
Benjamin Franklin
Who wants to be a blonde millionaire?
A blonde named Barbara is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire…
Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”
Barbara: “Sure I’ll have a go”
Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it……..
A – Robin, B – Sparrow, C – Cuckoo, D – Thrush.
“Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.
Barbara: ” I think I know who it…….. but I’m not 100%….No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis just to be sure.
Regis: “Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Carol back home in Brooklyn.”
(ringing)
Carol (also a blonde): “Hello…”
Regis: “Hello Carol, its Regis Philbin here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer — fire away Barbara.”
Barbara: “Carol, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it: A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo, D-Thrush
Carol: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…..Its a Cuckoo.
Barbara: “You think?”
Carol: “I’m sure.”
Barbara: ” Thanks Carol.” (hangs up)
Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”
Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo
Regis: “Is that your final answer?”
Barbara: “It is.”
Regis: “Are you confident?”
Barbara: “Yes fairly, Carol’s a sound bet.”
Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.”
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Carol and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Carol and asks “Tell me Carol, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Carol: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”
SCUBA Accident
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.”We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.””Well, tell me!” the man said.The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.””Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?””Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.””If that’s the good news than what’s the great news?!”, Mr. Wilkens demanded.The policeman said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”