You think you are an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale” sign in the front yard.You’re still scalping tickets after the concert is over.You don’t think Jeff’s Foxworthy’s jokes are funny.
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Mongolian V.D.
An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn’t use a condom.
A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.
Days later the doctor calls and says, “I’ve got bad news. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.”
“What can you do?” asks the man. “My American doctor wants to amputate!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man replies.
“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor. “You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Real Band Names
I can’ think of anyone actually making this up… Before starting a band, you should know that the following names are taken:[ a ]AlcoholocaustAlcoholics UnanimousArmageddon Dildos[ b ]Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood SwingsThe Band Formerly Known As SausageBand OverBarbara’s BushThe Bourbon Tabernacle ChoirThe Boxing GhandisBrady Bunch Lawnmower MassacreBulimia BanquetBuster Hymen & the Penetrators[ c ]CaltransvestitesCindy Brady’s Lisp[ d ]The Dancing French Liberals of 1848The Dead Sea SquirrelsDicky RetardoDrunks With Guns[ e ]e. coliElectric ProstatesElvis Hitler[ f ]Fearless Iranians From HellFields of Shit’57 LesbianThe 4-SkinsFour Nurses of the ApocalypseThe French are from HellFromage d’Amour[ g ]Gefilte Joe and the FishGonoreagan[ h ]Headless MarinesHell CaminoHerpes CineplexHindu Garage SaleHitler’s BikiniHIV and the Positives[ i ]Impaled NazarenesInhale Mary[ j ]Janitors Against ApartheidJehovah’s WaitressesJehovah’s Witness Protection ProgramJesus Christ Super FlyJesus Chrysler SupercarJFKFCJonestown Punch[ k ]Kathleen Turner OverdriveKerrigan’s Knees[ l ]Lack of AfroLawn PiranhasThe Leave It To Beaver Conehead ImmolationLee Harvey KeitelLesbian NinjasLouder Than God[ m ]Mao Tse HelenMussolini HeadkickMy Dog Has Hitler’s Brain[ n ]Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly EmissionsNervous Christians and the LionsNorman Bates and the Shower HeadsNot Drowning, Waving[ p ]Pabst SmearPenis DeMiloPepto DismalPhenobarbidolsPhlegm FatalePoultry in MotionThe Pro-Midget MafiaPsychic Buddhist Gorillas[ r ]Raging Pimps of DoomRectal NightmareReserectumResults of InbreedingRoid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries[ q ]Quasimodo and the Eunuchs[ s ]Sandy Duncan’s EyeScreaming Headless TorsosSeptic DeathThe Shamu Afterbirth OrchestraShirley Temple of DoomShirley Temple PilotsSimulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]Skeptic TankSmegma & the NunsSmorgasborgnineSolosexSpastic ColonThe SphinctonesStiff RichardsSwingin’ Johnsons[ t ]Ted Bundy’s VolkswagenThe Telephony Bandits of DoomTemporary Darkening of the StoolTestostertonesThe Texas NazisThank God We’re ImmortalThey Tried To Frame OJTo Live and Shave in LAToxic Shock and the TamponsTragic MulattoTranssexual HitlerTrotsky Icepick[ u ]Uncle Dickie’s Shameless Quickies[ v ]Vaginal DavisVic Morrow’s Head[ w ]The Well HungariansWillie Nelson Mandela[ y ]Yoko Homo[ z ]Zip Code RapistsZulu Leprechauns
what is black and white and eats like a horse…
what is black and white and eats like a horse
a zebra
Golden Rule Of Arts And
Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Whining Men
Men are always whining about how we’re suffocating them…. Personally, I
think if you can hear them whining, you’re not pressing hard enough on the
pillow….
Spell Check
Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician…
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician were all zapped up by a UFO
and studied by the aliens. One of the situations given was that the three
men were placed at one end of a long hallway and a nubile, young, nude
woman was at the other. The men were told that a bell would ring at a
constant interval. Within that interval, they were allowed to move half
the distance from wherever they stood to the woman. If they went too far
or didn’t go far enough, a laser would shoot them dead. At the first bell,
the engineer took off. The mathematician and physicist tried to tell him
that there was no way he could make it to the woman. The engineer replied,
“Sure, but soon I’ll be CLOSE ENOUGH!”
See if it happens again
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on
their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when
suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control
down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to
a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt,
now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no
brakes. What were they to do?
Departmental Manager: “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a
Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement
find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”
Hardware Engineer: “No, that will take far too long and besides, that method
has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at
all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we
can be on our way.”
Software Engineer: “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back
up the road and see if it happens again.”
Confucius Say: Lady who give kiss like …
Confucius Say: Lady who give kiss like spider, lead to the undoing of the fly.
I Can See Clearly Now…
there once was a guy named Jimmy and he was dating a girl named Loraine. well a while later when Jimmy was losing interest in their relationship, he met a girl named Cleary. well when the time came jimmy was going to tell loraine about cleary, he took her on a walk along the beach. as they made it a ways down the beach, a huge wave swallowed loraine into the ocean never to be seen again. Jimmy was so relieved he didnt have to tell Loraine about cleary. He Skipped the rest of the way down the beach singing…”I can see Clearly now Loraine is gone…”
Broke
What do you call an honest lawyer?
Broke.