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Burglary

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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”

The Most Grief

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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs
in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we
all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it
is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after
eating it?”

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding
cake”

Don't Mess with

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Defense Attorney: “Would you please state your age to the court for the record.”Little Old Lady: “I am 86 years old.”Defense Attorney: “Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question.”Little Old Lady: “There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me.”Defense Attorney: “Did you know him?”Little Old Lady: “No, but he sure was friendly.”Defense Attorney: “Then what happened after he sat down beside you?”Little Old Lady: “Well, he started to rub my thighs.”Defense Attorney: “Did you stop him?”Little Old Lady: “No, I didn’t.”Defense Lawyer: “Why not?”Little Old Lady: “It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago.”Defense Attorney: “Then what happened?”Little Old Lady: “He started to rub my breasts.”Defense Attorney: “Did you stop him then?”Little Old Lady: “No”Defense Attorney: “Why not?”Little Old Lady: “Well your honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn’t felt that good in years.”Defense Attorney: “What happened next?”Little Old Lady: “Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, “Take me young man”.Defense Attorney: “And did he take you?”Little Old Lady: “No. That’s when he yelled April Fool!.. And that’s when I shot him.”

Can’t Get One By Mom

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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Julie said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.” Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”

The Complete List of Asian Lists

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How to be the perfect asian american parent (From the Second Generation Perspective)1. Be a little more lenient on the 7:00 p.m. curfew.2. Don’t ask where the other point went when your child comes home with 99 percent grade on his/her report card.3. Don’t “ai-yah” loudly at your kid’s dress habits.4. Don’t blatantly hint about the merits of Habadu (Harvard), Yeil (Yale), or Purinsuton (Princeton).5. Don’t reveal all the intimate details of your kid’s life to the entire Asian community.6. Don’t ask your child, “What are you going to do with your life?” if he/she majors in a non-science field.7. Don’t give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of bangs.8. Don’t try to set your kid up on a date in anticipation of their poor taste or inept social skills.9. Incorporate other phrases besides, “Did you study yet?” into your daily conversations with your children.10. Don’t ask all your kid’s friends over the age of 21 if they have a boy/girlfriend yet.HOW TO BE A PERFECT ASIAN KID (From the First Generation Perspective)1. Score a perfect 1600 on the SAT.2. Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert performer.3. Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.4. Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win enough scholarship money to pay for it.5. Have four hobbies: studying, studying, violin/piano, and studying.6. Love classical music and detest talking on the telephone.7. Become a Westinghouse, Presidential and eventually a Rhodes Scholar.8. Aspire to be a brain surgeon.9. Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect, successful children (grandkids for ah-ma and ah-ba!).10. Love to hear stories about your parents’ childhood … especially the one about walking 20 miles to school without shoes. YOU KNOW YOU ARE CAMBODIAN IF …1. You own, have relative who owns, or know someone who owns a DONUT SHOP!!!2. You have a life time job at a donut shop.3. You still work at a donut shop on weekends even if you have a full time job outside.4. You HATE Donuts!!5. You can’t live without steamed rice.6. You want other Asians to stop meddling in your countryYOU KNOW YOU ARE CHINESE IF …1. You think you’re the smartest people in the world.2. You have a pager and cellular phone with you at all times.3. Today’s steamed rice is tomorrow’s fried rice.4. You’re afraid of black people.5. You know you are superior to all other Asians. YOU KNOW YOU ARE JAPANESE IF …1. You’re obsessed with you hair, your car, and your clothes2. You want to marry a Korean American or Chinese American woman (males); or you want to marry a white guy (females).3. You’re afraid of black people.4. You know you are superior to all other Asians. YOU KNOW YOU ARE KOREAN IF …1. You smoke and drink too much.2. You’re actually sorry that Margaret Cho’s sitcom was canceled.3. You’re afraid of black people.4. You know you are superior to all other Asians. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FILIPINO IF …1. You want to be a dancer, a singer, or an actor, even though you have a day job as a nurse, a security guard, or an accountant.2. A member of your family back home is a politician or a movie star.3. You’re not afraid of black people; in fact, you wish you were black.4. You don’t care if you are superior to all other Asians or not, because being Filipino is just cool in itself. YOU KNOW YOU ARE THAI IF …1. No matter what you eat, it’s not greasy or spicy enough.2. You’re not afraid of black people, because in some cases you’re just as dark as they are.3. You know in your heart that you will never be superior to all other Asians, but you’ve learned to live with it. YOU KNOW YOU ARE VIETNAMESE IF …1. You’ve gotta have fish sauce with every meal.2. You eat at a restaurant that has “Pho.”3. You have some relative who is Chinese.4. You’re afraid of black people.5. You know you are superior to all other Asians.Bee 526951 [rec.humor]