Younger Women Are Better!

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and
said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy

godmother waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart’s desire.

He paused for a moment, then said, “Well, honestly, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.” The fairy godmother picked up her wand and boom!

He was 90!!

Let’s Get Technical

In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and
approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven…

“And who might you be?” inquires St. Peter. “It’s me, Bill
Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader
of the Free World.”

“Oh…Mr……. President! What may I do for you?” asks St.
Peter. “I’d like to come in,” replies Clinton.

“Sure,” says the Saint. “But first, you have to confess your
sins. What bad things have you done in your life?”

Clinton bites his lip and answers, “Well, I tried marijuana, but
you can’t call it ‘dope-smoking’ because I didn’t inhale. There
were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can’t
call it ‘adultery’ because I didn’t have full ‘sexual
relations.’ And I made some statements that were misleading, but
legally accurate, but you can’t call it ‘bearing false witness’
because, as far as I know, it didn’t meet the legal standard of
perjury.”

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and
declares, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you somewhere hot,
but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there indefinitely, but
we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And when you enter, you don’t have
to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to
freeze over.”

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the…

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and
Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge –
thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can’t help but have a little
rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of
my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?”

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits
rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the
cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and
hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,
“Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little
wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with
joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects,
but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day
and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their
descendants.”

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand
and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.”

So the Pope slaps her.

Pepito va a visitar a

Pepito va a visitar a su abuelito que vive en el campo. Llega la hora de dormir, pero como no hab�a luz el�ctrica, el viejecito de 78 a�os permite que su nieto duerma con �l para que no tenga miedo. Ya en la madrugada el viejito grita:

“�R�pido, tr�iganme dos putas a mi cama!”

Pepito se despierta todo somnoliento:

“Momento abuelito, en primer lugar, ya no est�s en edad de pedir muchachas, en segundo, son las 5:45 de la ma�ana y en tercero… �Lo que tienes en la mano es de mi propiedad!”

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California’s third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally…. Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 “chad” sells at Sotheby’s for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

doctor

A doctor was delivering a baby and when the baby comes out he
drops it on the ground. The mother says what in the hell are you
doing? He then picks up the baby and throws it againts the wall.
He runs acrost the room and picks it up and drop kicks it. Then
finally he picks it up by the legs and spikes it on its head.
The whole time the mother is going ape shit saying what the hell
are you doing to my baby boy? Oh, the doctor says, dont worry it
was already dead.

Biker In Hell

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one
cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road.
The biker thought to himself, “I’ll cut that cat in two,” and he bore down on
it hard.

As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a
large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into
it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.

When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil
himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker’s hand, he asked mockingly, “So, how
do you like it here?”

The bad-ass biker replied, “Man, this is one COOL place!”

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank
up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and
asked, “So, how do you like it now?”

The biker responded by saying, “This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs
to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August.”

Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as
it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were
melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was
holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, “It’s almost as hot as the time I
beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!”

By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way
down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he
tracked down the biker again and asked, “OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?”

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and
chattered, “W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win
the Super Bowl?”

Sex Research

The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.

“Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under ‘Frequency of Intercourse you wrote ‘Three times a week and your wife ‘Three times a night.”

“Well, that’s right,” replied the husband, “but that’s only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house.”