am looking for my red goat so i need some one who will find it for i will give that person the head.
Author: admin
Yo mamma so hairy
Your mammas so hairy she was a double for the movie Tarzan.
Dennis Rodman
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok”. She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.” A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. “I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!” He says, “It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.
Men and foreplay -II
Q: What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Deductive Reasoning
Neighbor 1: “Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to
be moving”
New Neighbor: “Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly”
Neighbor 1: “So what is it you do for a living?”
New Neighbor: “I am a professor at the University, I teach
deductive reasoning”
Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?
“New Neighbor: “Let me give you and example. I see you have a
dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.”
Neighbor 1: “That is right”
New Neighbor: “The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce
that you have a family.
Neighbor 1: “Right again”
New Neighbor: “Since you have a family I deduce that you have a
wife”
Neighbor 1: “Correct”
New Neighbor: “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you
are heterosexual”
Neighbor 1: “Yup”
New Neighbor: “That is deductive reasoning”
Neighbor 1: “Cool”
Later that same day
Neighbor 1: “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in
next door”
Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?”
Neighbor 1: “Yes, and he has an interesting job”
Neighbor 2: “Oh, yeah what does he do?”
Neighbor 1: “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the
University”
Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning, what is that”
Neighbor 1: “Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog
house?”
Neighbor 2: “No”
Neighbor 1: “You must be gay!”
The man buying farm animals…woo-hoo!
One day, a man went to a nearby farm to buy some of the animals that were for sale there.
He walked up to the farmer and said,”Hey, that’s a nice donkey you got there. I think I’ll take it.”
The farmer replied,”That’s not a donkey, that’s an ass.”
So, the man said,”Okay, then,I’ll take the ass.” Then he walked over to the chicken coup and said,”I like that chicken. I’ll take it too.”
The farmer replied,”That is a pullet.”
So the man said,”Okay, I’ll take the pullet.”
He was looking at a rooster and said,”Well, I guess I’ll take the rooster, too.”
The farmer replied,”That’s not a rooster, it’s a cock.”
So they load the pullet and the cock into the back of the man’s truck and tie the ass to the back. The man then pays the farmer as the farmer tells him,”Now, sometimes the ass gets a little stubborn and he stops. All you have to do is get out and scratch his back, and he’ll go again.”
So the man drives away. All of a sudden, the ass stops, and the pullet and the cock fly out of the back. The man is trying to get them back when a woman comes out and says,”Can I help you?”
The man replies,”Yeah, could you grab my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?”
Actual Bumper Stickers
- The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
- If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
- I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
- Born free… taxed to death.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
- There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
- I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
- So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!
- Jesus may love you, but he won’t respect you in the morning.
- Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
- I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
- If, a two letter word for futility
- I don’t care, I don’t have to.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
- I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Horn broken, watch for finger.
- All men are idiots … I married their king.
- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- My kid had sex with your honor student.
- Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
- Give pizza chants.
- Don’t hit me. My lawyer’s in jail.
- This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way.
- How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
- If something goes without saying, LET IT!
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply
- Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
- IRS We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
- Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
- Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks your an asshole.
- Life’s a buffet… so eat me!
- I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
- Jesus paid for our sins… now lets get our money’s worth.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
- Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
- I love cats … dead ones
- I love cats … they taste just like chicken
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Keep honking, I’m reloading.
- Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
- Hang up and drive.
- Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
- Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
- I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- Tow-ers will be violated
- Montana — At least our cows are sane!
- Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
- Lord save me from your followers.
- Meat is yummy!
- Mean people rule!
- Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
- Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
- Born again pagan.
- God must love stupid people, he made so many.
- I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- So many recipes, so few cats.
- Cats… the other white meat.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
- There’s too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
- Save a mouse… Eat pussy!
- P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
- Wink, I’ll do the rest!
- Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- I love animals…they’re delicious.
- If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
- Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
- Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
- Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling to good myself.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
- Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
- Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- I souport publik edekasion
- hoket on foniks werked fur me
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
- 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
- I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
- Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
Chinese Momma
Your momma is so fat, she has more chins than a Chinese phone book!
If a frog parks.
Q. What happens when a frog parks illegally?
A. It gets toad!
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date nor any sex in quite sometime. Afraid she might have something wrong with her she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went and saw him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, “okay, take off aw your crows.”
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.
“Now, ” said Wang, “get dow on knees and craw reery, reery, fass away from me to the other side of room.”
Having done that Dr. Wang said, “okay, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass to me.” Once again she obliged.
Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, “okay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease…..worse case I ever see….that why you not have dates, that why you not have sex.”
Confused, the woman asked, “What is Ed Zachary Disease?”
Wang replied, “It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”
Old Zeek
Here in the Kentucky hills, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding. Ol’
Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest
mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He
takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Abner were sitting on the porch swing, talking bout the
good old days when maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen!
Look at the size of that bird, Paw! she exclaims.
Paw raises up, Get my gun, Maw.
Maw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun. He takes careful
aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail
silently over the treetops.
I think ya missed him, Paw, she says.
Yeah, he replies, but at least he let go of old Zeek!
“Turn right … no, turn
“Turn right … no, turn left … no, turn straight!”